Hey Guys,
its 5am and i have something i wanna tell you, i cant sleep anymore... everytime i sleep i see nightmare, i wake up screaming, in tears, shaking... that makes me thing NO hope that the end will come sooner...if only people knew... the things that are really going on... i sometimes wonder if it would change anything... if people would be nicer with me...
i don't know what do add anymore... just needed to write something i think...
Bye!
21121
Hey,
So 211212 should be the date that a electromagnetic pulse from the sun should hit earth, today i was looking up on it and that made me think, about the chaos that would follow, the world will be dark for 2 days, electric applilances will be unfunctional in that time, stuff like phones, PCs, internet, even simpel radios and walkie-talkies will be useless, everything tha use electricity are useless, think what will happen , its thats true, all the stealing, riots and maybe even a wars can be started, its an ideal moment to do such a thing, i researched on the internet and i found out that this year has been one of the most devastating ( earthquakes, tornatos, strange weather... all i have to say is that maybe this is my moment, to use all my skills and ideas i've been planning and i've learned,i hope you don't think that im weird or mental, well i am weird but i really want this... This is the event that the people need to realize there mistakes and find the persons they love and keep them safe,
what will you do when this event really happens?
I Will go to mustvee and take a bottle of whiskey and be with Tannu and just drink,and if i die, ill die happy knowing that i was with my best friend...
if this happens and i survive i'll look up all the persons thhat matter to me and help them.
]
Think about this:)
Never stop asking and beliving!!!
So 211212 should be the date that a electromagnetic pulse from the sun should hit earth, today i was looking up on it and that made me think, about the chaos that would follow, the world will be dark for 2 days, electric applilances will be unfunctional in that time, stuff like phones, PCs, internet, even simpel radios and walkie-talkies will be useless, everything tha use electricity are useless, think what will happen , its thats true, all the stealing, riots and maybe even a wars can be started, its an ideal moment to do such a thing, i researched on the internet and i found out that this year has been one of the most devastating ( earthquakes, tornatos, strange weather... all i have to say is that maybe this is my moment, to use all my skills and ideas i've been planning and i've learned,i hope you don't think that im weird or mental, well i am weird but i really want this... This is the event that the people need to realize there mistakes and find the persons they love and keep them safe,
what will you do when this event really happens?
I Will go to mustvee and take a bottle of whiskey and be with Tannu and just drink,and if i die, ill die happy knowing that i was with my best friend...
if this happens and i survive i'll look up all the persons thhat matter to me and help them.
]
Think about this:)
Never stop asking and beliving!!!
Im back MOFO.
Hey,
How are you doing? Im doing Fucking great! Like really! amazing isnt it :)
Today i went out with Tannu and some people from finland and germany. That energy that the radiated ... it was ssssssssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good :) that melted me, that feeling was missing for a while... That feeling will be gone soon, as the go back, they'll take that feeling with them...
I'll write soon okei? Got to go at the moment!
Bye!
How are you doing? Im doing Fucking great! Like really! amazing isnt it :)
Today i went out with Tannu and some people from finland and germany. That energy that the radiated ... it was ssssssssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good :) that melted me, that feeling was missing for a while... That feeling will be gone soon, as the go back, they'll take that feeling with them...
I'll write soon okei? Got to go at the moment!
Bye!
Kill me now
Kill me now
I think I could die here
In your arms
If that's alright dear
'Cause you don't care a bit about me anyhow
No you don't care a bit about me anyhow
So, kill me now
Every note that I play
Is a dream that I wish would come true
Every word that I write
Is a word that I picked out
Just for you
But you don't want to hear what I have to say
No you don't want to hear what I have to say
So it doesn't really matter anyway
I wrote you a beautiful song
You said the words were all wrong
You thought I could come up with something more clever
I wrote you a beautiful song
You said the chords didn't belong
And my verses needed some structure
I think it just means..
The world stopped spinning
In that moment that my eyes first saw your face
The particles of dust
Stood motionless, frozen
In time and space
I'm waiting for your rook to take my bishop
Just waiting for your rook to take my bishop
'Cause I would gladly surrender, give up
To you
I wrote you a beautiful song
You said the words were all wrong
You thought I could come up with something more clever
I wrote you a beautiful song
You said the chords didn't belong
And my verses needed some structure
I think it just means..
Kill me now
I think I could die here
I wrote you a beautiful song
You said the words were all wrong
You thought I could come up with something more clever
I wrote you a beautiful song
You said the chords didn't belong
And my verses needed some structure
I think it just means you love her
I think it just means
You love her
Why did i even try...
Hey,
Here i am again. depressed as fuck. thinking... about the friends i dont have... The girlfriend that i'll never find, Thinking about the family that i'll never have, And Tannu you don't go under the friends list you are my brother!
Today, i was thinking, and i figured out that i'll never be more than a soldier, I'm not going to be a father, a husband, a loved one, only thing for me out there is the military.
Everything is going down, Im just a small bump, a drop in the ocean...
the last 5 days have been like hell for me, a FUCKING nightmare,
Missplaced trust and old friends...
Most nights i hardly sleep, Wishing we might end up together, Nobody (exept Tannu) Really cares how i feel or if everything is okei with me, NO-FUCKING-BODY!?!?! Am i Really that bad of a person?... People say that if they had a boyfriend like me , they'd be extremly happy? THEN WHY THE FUCK IM
SO FUCKING ALONE?!?!
And stop fucking pretenting that you care, i wouldn't be the one contacting you , You wouldn't even care... everything i hear is Fucking stupid,
Here i am again. depressed as fuck. thinking... about the friends i dont have... The girlfriend that i'll never find, Thinking about the family that i'll never have, And Tannu you don't go under the friends list you are my brother!
Today, i was thinking, and i figured out that i'll never be more than a soldier, I'm not going to be a father, a husband, a loved one, only thing for me out there is the military.
Everything is going down, Im just a small bump, a drop in the ocean...
the last 5 days have been like hell for me, a FUCKING nightmare,
Missplaced trust and old friends...
Most nights i hardly sleep, Wishing we might end up together, Nobody (exept Tannu) Really cares how i feel or if everything is okei with me, NO-FUCKING-BODY!?!?! Am i Really that bad of a person?... People say that if they had a boyfriend like me , they'd be extremly happy? THEN WHY THE FUCK IM
SO FUCKING ALONE?!?!
And stop fucking pretenting that you care, i wouldn't be the one contacting you , You wouldn't even care... everything i hear is Fucking stupid,
** Im blowing bubbles, **
**pretty bubbles in the air**
**they fly so high **
**nearly reach the sky**
**then like my dreams**
**they fade and die**
Bye!
Life is ...
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it
multithinking...
I dont know if anyone has ever thought about this but ...
mutithinking - My idea of this word is that thinking of something . but seeing as many side of the story as you can think of ...
Here's the consept : I ask a question like = Is everybody nessasary?
As you ask that, other questions start to show.
I'll start of thinking of the positive side.
Yes-> Why? -> Because if you ''undo'' someone you undo the things he/she has done... You undo the experice that he/she has gave to everyone who know her/him. -> What if that person did something bad? -> it dosent change that that person give someone in the world some sort of experice...its impossible... -> But whats the idea of experice? -> Experice molds a person it make a person become that person that he/she is at the moment.
I can go on-and-on on that topic but people wouldnt care reading that much...
So here ''my'' negative side:
No? -> Why? -> Because one person dont have that big of a affect on others. -> How come? -> because, A person has a fixed amount of people they affect and deleting one human has a very- very small magnitude amonts others... - > Yeah but deleting 2 humans doubles the magnitude... -> yeah but at the same time it changes the questions!
And so on-and-on...
So heres my main idea : keep on asking!
So yeha this maybe a confusing topic but im using this stupid and crazy idea althe time ... and it has affected the way i think... i think about alot of thinks at the same idea...
Bye!
Weird
Hey.
A quick update... Everyday im thinkin of my future, and it makes me kinda sad because theres basicly no light in the end of the tunnel... Thank god i still have a tiny sparkle at the moment and im going for it... going like a madman... Hopefully the sparkle turns into a star. Or even something bigger or better...
The past few days i've been like : I'll not let another chance blow past me... Im taking the chance i've been given... and i hope that things change soon ... hopefully the light would turn into a fire and burn me ... thats what im afraid of ... getting burned again...
Please give me feed back ...
Comment, message me , what ever just give me a reasson to continue blogging... and if theres anyone out there: Hey, Your beautiful, Stay strong, If you have any problems let me know on facebook : Karl-Robert Vaarma ... im happy to help you no matter the problem...
School is starting again...
Hey,
So... There's not much do talk about... exept ...Everytime i feel down... She starts talking to me and pumps me up again... and when She isnt talking with me ... I Miss talking to her... Missing talking drags me down... so its a unending loop .... but im feeling pumped up more times then i do down ...
Thanks... so thats how things are around here ! but still at night i remember that im single... and the things i see the most on the street... Joy of being someones ONE...
But ... nevermind that ... as i talk to her at the moment and listen to music ( which totaly rocks) im happy and thats good i think... havent felt like this in some time... so in total it good and every thing is fine... im still alive ... as you can see...
until next time.
So... There's not much do talk about... exept ...Everytime i feel down... She starts talking to me and pumps me up again... and when She isnt talking with me ... I Miss talking to her... Missing talking drags me down... so its a unending loop .... but im feeling pumped up more times then i do down ...
Thanks... so thats how things are around here ! but still at night i remember that im single... and the things i see the most on the street... Joy of being someones ONE...
But ... nevermind that ... as i talk to her at the moment and listen to music ( which totaly rocks) im happy and thats good i think... havent felt like this in some time... so in total it good and every thing is fine... im still alive ... as you can see...
until next time.
The last few days...
Hey,
The last few day..
Full of happiness and joy... Found someone...
some of my best days of my life. Thank you..
I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard.
All a moment that's held in your arms.
And what do you think you'd ever say?
Just the thing i need... someone like you...
until next time (Y)
The last few day..
Full of happiness and joy... Found someone...
some of my best days of my life. Thank you..
I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard.
All a moment that's held in your arms.
And what do you think you'd ever say?
Just the thing i need... someone like you...
until next time (Y)
From the bottom of my heart
Hey, so,
A new day, a new start All fucked up by my drunk-ass brother who seems to be hating me,
Well i'll never know, but the things he said hurt me alot ,actully made me cry ... after being alone for some time i called my dad (AT 2AM IN THE FUCKING MORNING ,WHICH I NEVER DO) ask if i ever was unthankfull or something like that, He said ''No, You've been the best son you can be.''
The feeling of father saying that... it made me cry even more, because i felt like i wasn't a fail in the eyes of my father, even thou i know that my father will prolly never see this but,
Thank you dad, For being the best dad i can ever dream about.... thanks!
I can't ever write , i'm crying like a little girl...
but knowing that my own brother hates me , just... it just hurts so much!!!
I called mom too. She didnt pick up... but i wanna say that i'm sorry for everything i have ever done to you, IM SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME... Give me this, please! i maybe drunk but im speaking from the bottom of my heart. Im sorry for all the bad things i've ever done or said to you!
IM SORRY FOR NOT BEING THE BEST SON YOU WANTED MOM!!! I KNOW I LET YOU DOWN! I'M SORRY!!
MOM,DAD, I MISS YOU!
I TRIED MY BEST, BUT I CAN'T DO IT, IM JUST TO WEAK!
IM SORRY !
Bye!
Its been awhile
So, Hey...
Its hard to come back and write,but ... im upset (suprise,suprise) ...at the moment I'm near Tartu where i suppose live . well actually near Roiu which is near Tartu... im visiting my best friend's girlfriend. So,
Today , We (Me,Tan and Liisu ( the girlfriend)) made sauna, and seeing how happy they are made me think about the things that im missing in my life... Its alot... But im glad that im single ... Because then i cant hurt people like i did in the past. Just don't want anything like that on my heart... Yet i know people that are even shittier men then me and they have girlfriends... then i just lose it... thinking that maybe im just such a bad person that everybody who meets just automaticly starts hating me... well maybe its me but its seems to be so... On so many occasions i feel like just take a gun and fucking do it
But then Tannu and Rait pop into my mind... and start Fucking up the plans, Maybe it will be for the best... maybe everything will chance after im gone, maybe that's my destiny... Maybe that's the thing i need , what the people need...
As days pass by i feel more and more alone,leftout,useless,unneeded... As my mind gets more hostile against myself, thing get worse and worse...
Ou yeah and today when others were washing up i was in the sauna ,alone and i thought about the reasons i drink alot, Here's the result:
Maybe the cause of my ideas about me being a shity man ,makes me wanna be a shity man ,deep inside.
It's hard to put it in words but in my mind everything is diffrent and complex, as my mental doctor( i dont actually know what's the meaning in english but i hope you'll know what i mean) said :
''You have a golden heart, but it's filled with hate and anger. You're a good person ,but things just don't out for you.''
She asked my why i wanna kill myself. after 5 sessions as i was leaving and She stopped me and said
''Robi,I know its been hard for you, but Stay strong, don't give up, I belive in you.''
At that moment i froze , and a single tear fell from my eye... (just so you know as your reading this know that people who read this thing im writing, know this story.)
Okei I got some of the pain out there so i feel better but things will not change for me ...
Bye
Alcohol has a problem with me?
Hey,
So, Yet again im drinking... using the chance to access the internet ... Dont ask... What to do with my life? Maybe its better for me to do stuff that dosent drag people with me...
Thumbs up for Tan Säälik and Rait Mitt for making me feel useful...
Thx, Really i mean it... Atleast i have someone that thinks about me...
And i didnt forget you Mirell, i know when something happens to me , it will affect you... but yeah...
I can pretict people messaging me:'' I Care about you, i dont know that i would do if i did have you ,ETC'' But to you call me ... for no reason at all just ask me how am i or if im okey ... nope... Im like a tiny ant on mars seen through a toilet paper roll... YOU CANT SEE ME!
simpel as that...
AND just so you know i take things VERY Fucking seriously , so watch what you say ... Bitch!
Bye im out!
So, Yet again im drinking... using the chance to access the internet ... Dont ask... What to do with my life? Maybe its better for me to do stuff that dosent drag people with me...
Thumbs up for Tan Säälik and Rait Mitt for making me feel useful...
Thx, Really i mean it... Atleast i have someone that thinks about me...
And i didnt forget you Mirell, i know when something happens to me , it will affect you... but yeah...
I can pretict people messaging me:'' I Care about you, i dont know that i would do if i did have you ,ETC'' But to you call me ... for no reason at all just ask me how am i or if im okey ... nope... Im like a tiny ant on mars seen through a toilet paper roll... YOU CANT SEE ME!
simpel as that...
AND just so you know i take things VERY Fucking seriously , so watch what you say ... Bitch!
Bye im out!
Broken inside...
Cause inside, theres something that waits for being broken.
Losing my mind...
Cast into lies
Crash into time
I Have a ambition,that i have no intention to leave just a dream, to become something that has a meaning, and kill a certain man...
Losing my mind...
Cast into lies
Crash into time
I Have a ambition,that i have no intention to leave just a dream, to become something that has a meaning, and kill a certain man...
Norway... trip... Country pays all of it... hopefully 2weeks of soldiers basic training...
But thats on the summer list... i just hope i survive that long...
Theres one thing for sure ... NO GOOD THING COMES BACK AS A GOOD THING, JUST MORE SHIT TO HANDLE... tired of it... every time... just... everytime i do something good things just get worse...
why the fuck...
Fuck off dosent mean go away... Fuck off means FUCK OFF! everybody understands what it means. they feel it...
I got tired of waiting... my faith is fading ...
I noticed that everytime i write here im in a shitty mood...
I miss being someones ONE i aint perfect but bitch please you arent ether... just saying...
Miss me? Hug me? CALL ME?!!!! atleast call me? feel so lonely...
at the moment... War is my biggest chance of success ... Military FTW ... atleast i matter there....
i can remember thing... things werent always this way... i made you smile even for a while...
But thats on the summer list... i just hope i survive that long...
Theres one thing for sure ... NO GOOD THING COMES BACK AS A GOOD THING, JUST MORE SHIT TO HANDLE... tired of it... every time... just... everytime i do something good things just get worse...
why the fuck...
Fuck off dosent mean go away... Fuck off means FUCK OFF! everybody understands what it means. they feel it...
I got tired of waiting... my faith is fading ...
I noticed that everytime i write here im in a shitty mood...
I miss being someones ONE i aint perfect but bitch please you arent ether... just saying...
Miss me? Hug me? CALL ME?!!!! atleast call me? feel so lonely...
at the moment... War is my biggest chance of success ... Military FTW ... atleast i matter there....
i can remember thing... things werent always this way... i made you smile even for a while...
Hey,
So,
im tired, but theres things that make me go on and on... I think i made a mistake one day... something i can't change now... But maybe ''The mistake'' turns out to be a good thing... I loved that neckless... it never left my neck... Well once but i fought for it and got it back...
So the near future... Im going to ''Erna'' Its like a military exercise which i cant wait for... I need a goodnight sleep... but instead, im writing in my blog... that noone reads... as i found out...
Cant stop lisening to Elvis Preasley - umbrella... Epic...
As i sit here, im thinking about... ''her''... cant stop... miss you... thinking about life...
Most of the time i wanna end it... If you see me i seem happy or what ever but deep down inside me im crying... well yeah... sad...
im tired, but theres things that make me go on and on... I think i made a mistake one day... something i can't change now... But maybe ''The mistake'' turns out to be a good thing... I loved that neckless... it never left my neck... Well once but i fought for it and got it back...
So the near future... Im going to ''Erna'' Its like a military exercise which i cant wait for... I need a goodnight sleep... but instead, im writing in my blog... that noone reads... as i found out...
Cant stop lisening to Elvis Preasley - umbrella... Epic...
As i sit here, im thinking about... ''her''... cant stop... miss you... thinking about life...
Most of the time i wanna end it... If you see me i seem happy or what ever but deep down inside me im crying... well yeah... sad...
Sometimes...
All i need is a call... so i would know i still exist... still matter... i count in someones book...
Feeling lonely...
Feeling lonely...
Should have ended it...
Sometimes I'm thinking God made me special here on purpose
So all the while 'til I'm gone make my words important so
If I slip away, if I die today the last thing you remember won't
Be about some apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur
Baby how I dream of being free since my birth
Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse
Have you ever heard of some shit so real
Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel
So i was on my 8th attempt and as you can see im still here...Just so FFF-ING great... Why wouldn't it just end... Cmon give me a break... I'm tired, i wanna relax, There are things that i don't get, like the fact that people hang around me... just leave me , its for your own good... everyday things get more complicated...
When will this nightmare end... Surely you're like : It will pass and things will change and so on or that im overreacting...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
Things are messed up for me, There is no positive ending in sight! Just negative...
I've been thinking alot... just so many things are missing from my life...
Violence isn't the answer but the pain is unbearable...
Until next time i'll hide my hatred and my pointlessness and just drink till i drop dead...
So all the while 'til I'm gone make my words important so
If I slip away, if I die today the last thing you remember won't
Be about some apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur
Baby how I dream of being free since my birth
Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse
Have you ever heard of some shit so real
Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel
So i was on my 8th attempt and as you can see im still here...Just so FFF-ING great... Why wouldn't it just end... Cmon give me a break... I'm tired, i wanna relax, There are things that i don't get, like the fact that people hang around me... just leave me , its for your own good... everyday things get more complicated...
When will this nightmare end... Surely you're like : It will pass and things will change and so on or that im overreacting...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
Things are messed up for me, There is no positive ending in sight! Just negative...
I've been thinking alot... just so many things are missing from my life...
Violence isn't the answer but the pain is unbearable...
Until next time i'll hide my hatred and my pointlessness and just drink till i drop dead...
I'm Falling to pieces!
Hey,
I got time, while she got freedom.
while im wide-awake, she has no trouble sleeping.
Bad things happen for a reason.
She moved on while im still grieving.
And now i know how much you really care = 0
So Here i am again.
Thinking and thinking,
School?
Life? Birth?
Lies? Truth? Love? Fights?
Hate? People?
Death?
Reality?
I got time, while she got freedom.
while im wide-awake, she has no trouble sleeping.
Bad things happen for a reason.
She moved on while im still grieving.
And now i know how much you really care = 0
So Here i am again.
Thinking and thinking,
School?
Life? Birth?
Lies? Truth? Love? Fights?
Hate? People?
Death?
Reality?
something bothering me...
The pain of being alone...is not an easy one to bear..why is it...that I can understand your pain? But...I already have many people who are important to me now...and I can't let you hurt any of them...even if I have to kill you ,If you want to kill me, despise me, hate me, and live in an unsightly way... Run, and cling to life, and then some day, when you have the same eyes as I do, come before me."
People live their lives bound by what they accept as correct and true. That's how they define "reality". But what does it mean to be "correct" or "true"? Merely vague concepts ... their "reality" may all be a mirage. Can we consider them to simply be living in their own world, shaped by their beliefs?
People live their lives bound by what they accept as correct and true. That's how they define "reality". But what does it mean to be "correct" or "true"? Merely vague concepts ... their "reality" may all be a mirage. Can we consider them to simply be living in their own world, shaped by their beliefs?
A genius, huh? What does that mean? 'Genius'? So I was not born with a whole lot of natural talent, not gifted like some ... but I work hard and I never give up! That is my gift; that is my way!
ME
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