I've been thinking, Which is worse? Me ending my suffering or Me hurting people by being alive?
You might be wondering how could i think like that, but you can't see what i experience, right? I see everyday how others feel uneasy around me. People think that they care about me and that they want to help me. But they can't or as soon as they realize what is going on with me, They pull back and avoid me. As soon as i speak to someone about my thoughts and emotions, they understand that i can't be helped and/or they don't need that kind of negativity in their life. When there is someone who is worried about me now, i just say i'm okay and that its just a bad day. What they don't know is that everyday is a bad day. and then there are the days in hell from time-to-time. Times where everything is darker and i can't control it. it's either shit or a shitstorm pretty much. But... i quess this is the path i've been on for a while now. and i'm not sure if there is another path for me anymore.
I had someone tell me that it's mildly weird how much love i give out, but how little i give myself. i've been thinking about it for a while now and it feels like it might be true. I care about others than i do myself. Gladly giving a way my body, my organs, my money and my time for the short feeling of being useful. It dies quite fast, This feeling. And yet, it's a small victory dont you think? Sometimes i think that i've pretty much pushed everyone away from myself to avoid hurting them.
If i'd die tommorrow, would it matter in the long run?You'd cry for me? I'd be honored! The memory of me would die out quite fast. No one would care if they can't be with me or miss being with me. Sure, they would be sad for a bit, but that will be pass. I've been away for so long that im pretty sure that most of the people who know me, don't even remember anymore what it feels like to ''hang out'' with me. I'm not sure that I even do. They say that its wrong to kill yourself and that you have a lot to live for. I can't find myself seeing it like that.
If there is a God, Does it care? about ''His'' creations? The fruit of ''his'' mind or thoughts? Humans suffer, while they speak of caring for yourself and others around you. Humans prepare for war while talking of peace. How come is this the best that the humankind can do? The rich lie, steal and legally mess with hard working people and get away with it. Humans don't care for eachother. We only care about the concept of wealth. We are greedy, sad, self-centered beings and incapable of understanding each other. Has ''He'' abandoned us? Saw us as a failed experiment and discarded us? Saw that most of the peoples free-will will cause the people to now belive in ''Him'', and didn't wanna end us but left us just for the will of the cosmos? I can't belive in something that i can't see nor feel. Until then I will not care for the cause of ''God''. What if the paradise the they say we would arrive at after death is just like this? What if we have already lived our lives and this is the paradise that we speak of? Or... What if this is the hell that they scare us into being obedient? What if this is the afterlife we all endure?
There are no happy endings. Strangers kill each other without a real reason. This is war. The desire to have peace, gives rise to war. How can we keep on saying that we are the Smartest species or the Prime survivor of evolution? our track record is not that great, how can we say things like that? Seek vengeance in the name of justice? and when that happens, this justice will give way to more hatred.
The humankind is destined to suffer and die out on this planet.
