explaining my depression to my mother
a conversation
mom
my depression is a shapeshifter
one day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear
the next it's the bear
on those days i play dead until the bear leaves me alone
i call the bad days "the dark days"
mom says "trying lighting candles"
but when i see a candle i see the flesh of a church
the flicker of a flame
strikes of a memory younger than noon
i am standing besides her open casket
it is the moment i learn every person i ever come to know will some day die
besides mom
i'm not afraid of the dark
perhaps that's part of the problem
mom says "i thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed"
i can't. anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house
inside of my head
mom says "where did anxiety come from"
anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party
mom i am the party
only i am a party i don't want to be at
mom says "why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends"
sure, i make plans
i make plans but i don't want to go
i make plans because i know i should want to go
it's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun mom
you see, mom
each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms
dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company
mom says "try counting sheep"
but my mind can only count reasons to stay awake
so i go for walks
but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons
held in strong arms with loose wrists
they ring in my ears like clumsy church bells
reminding me that i am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness
that i can not baptize myself in
mom says "happy is a decision"
but my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
my happy is a high fever that will break
mom says that i am so good at making something out of nothing
and then flat out asks me if i am afraid of dying
no mom, i am afraid of living
mom i am lonely
i think i learned that when dad left how to turn the anger into lonely
the lonely into busy
so when i say i've been super busy lately i mean i've been falling asleep on the couch watching sports center to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed
but my depression will always bring me back to my bed
until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city
my mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves
the hallow auditorium of my chest swoones with the echoes of a heart beat
but i am just a careless toiurist here
i will never truly know everywhere i have been
mom still doesn't understand
mom, can't you see
that neither can i
Fake smile
There's a girl in the corner, just turned 18
Ever since she was little it was always her dream
To marry a man who would treat her just right
With loving best friends for the rest of her life
But as she grew up, her friends all grew cold
So she twisted her life just to fit in their mould
Now her biggest fear is that she'll be rejected
She'll try anything to feel loved and accepted
She posts photos on Instagram, hoping that now
Her body attracts what her heart can't somehow
Slowly turning herself into something she's not
Desperate for anyone to think that she's hot
But the love that she craves has never come through
And the dreams she once held just haven't come true
If you ask how she is, she'll say that she's fine
She disguises it well but she's dying inside
She tried parties and drinking, just a little to start
Anything to fill that big hole in her heart
Now she's sleeping around, hoping love will be found
But her heart lies empty from the sorrows she's drowned
'Cause deep down she knows that she is not bold
She puts on her fake smile while she bleeds
On the outside she'll build so her life will seem filled
But on the inside she's never complete
There's a boy on the streets, acting all rough
Bullying others just to make him feel tough
He puts on a show so his ego will grow
Puts everyone down to try and raise himself up
People assume that he's always been cold
It seems like there's nothing that could tame his soul
On the outside he's callous, with a heart made of steel
But inside he's been broken by the pain that he feels
He's the abuser at school, but at home he's abused
With a dad always drunk and a mum always bruised
He's lost count of the times that he's gone to bed crying
He's never found peace and he's got tired of trying
Now he's lost all his hope and his trust has worn thin
So he hurts others first before they can hurt him
He takes out his pain on the kids at his school
While desperate for someone to think that he's cool
He buries it deep so the world never sees
All the heartache and heartbreak brings his heart straight to its knees
He fights with his friends while he wrestles with doubt
Feels he's been dealt bad hand, so he's dealing it out
But down deep he knows that he is not bold
He puts on his fake smile while he bleeds
On the outside he'll build so his life will seem filled
But on the inside he's never complete
Though we try not to show it, and all try to fix it
In our hearts we're all broken but no one admits it
They say that it's what's on the inside that counts
We all put on a brave face but on the inside we doubt
We're all scared of the world, we don't know what we're facing
We're longing for something but don't know what we're chasing
Though we face the same things that burden and break us
We all look to each other for some feeling of status
We want people to view us, to follow and like
To favourite our looks and subscribe to our life
We treat retweets like morphine to cover the hurt
Of our friendless existence when our phone doesn't work
We're all grasping at glory and craving acclaim
It's the fuel in our tank, it's the drug in our veins
And soon as it's gone, our heart hits the floor
And we run to self-pity 'til our egos find more
Everyone out there keeps searching around
Just to find the right pill to pick them up when they're down
And we try our best, but we fail our own test
We pretend that we're swimming while we drown
Because deep down we all know that we are not bold
We put on our fake smiles while we bleed
On the outside we build so our lives will seem filled
But on the inside we're never complete
Ever since she was little it was always her dream
To marry a man who would treat her just right
With loving best friends for the rest of her life
But as she grew up, her friends all grew cold
So she twisted her life just to fit in their mould
Now her biggest fear is that she'll be rejected
She'll try anything to feel loved and accepted
She posts photos on Instagram, hoping that now
Her body attracts what her heart can't somehow
Slowly turning herself into something she's not
Desperate for anyone to think that she's hot
But the love that she craves has never come through
And the dreams she once held just haven't come true
If you ask how she is, she'll say that she's fine
She disguises it well but she's dying inside
She tried parties and drinking, just a little to start
Anything to fill that big hole in her heart
Now she's sleeping around, hoping love will be found
But her heart lies empty from the sorrows she's drowned
'Cause deep down she knows that she is not bold
She puts on her fake smile while she bleeds
On the outside she'll build so her life will seem filled
But on the inside she's never complete
There's a boy on the streets, acting all rough
Bullying others just to make him feel tough
He puts on a show so his ego will grow
Puts everyone down to try and raise himself up
People assume that he's always been cold
It seems like there's nothing that could tame his soul
On the outside he's callous, with a heart made of steel
But inside he's been broken by the pain that he feels
He's the abuser at school, but at home he's abused
With a dad always drunk and a mum always bruised
He's lost count of the times that he's gone to bed crying
He's never found peace and he's got tired of trying
Now he's lost all his hope and his trust has worn thin
So he hurts others first before they can hurt him
He takes out his pain on the kids at his school
While desperate for someone to think that he's cool
He buries it deep so the world never sees
All the heartache and heartbreak brings his heart straight to its knees
He fights with his friends while he wrestles with doubt
Feels he's been dealt bad hand, so he's dealing it out
But down deep he knows that he is not bold
He puts on his fake smile while he bleeds
On the outside he'll build so his life will seem filled
But on the inside he's never complete
Though we try not to show it, and all try to fix it
In our hearts we're all broken but no one admits it
They say that it's what's on the inside that counts
We all put on a brave face but on the inside we doubt
We're all scared of the world, we don't know what we're facing
We're longing for something but don't know what we're chasing
Though we face the same things that burden and break us
We all look to each other for some feeling of status
We want people to view us, to follow and like
To favourite our looks and subscribe to our life
We treat retweets like morphine to cover the hurt
Of our friendless existence when our phone doesn't work
We're all grasping at glory and craving acclaim
It's the fuel in our tank, it's the drug in our veins
And soon as it's gone, our heart hits the floor
And we run to self-pity 'til our egos find more
Everyone out there keeps searching around
Just to find the right pill to pick them up when they're down
And we try our best, but we fail our own test
We pretend that we're swimming while we drown
Because deep down we all know that we are not bold
We put on our fake smiles while we bleed
On the outside we build so our lives will seem filled
But on the inside we're never complete
''It's okay.''
The standard answer to every time when someone ask if I'm okay or if they can help me.They can't,People who have been paid for fixing me have failed. How could a random one find the fix? Also if someone hasn't suffered, lived his/her life thru with bliss and happiness, no problems no worries, can help me? ME?! I don't even remember what it feels like to feel actual happiness. I have no problem with smiling when its funny,but I haven't felt actually happy in quite some time now.
I don't sleep very well. i wake up most night 3-4 times.dreams like i've said before are getting worse and worse. I'm starting to lose hope on everything. I'm having a child. A baby girl. each day that passes, i feel more and more like its a mistake bringing another person into this world knowing that there is so much pain and suffering. I guess thats the reason some have said that its not my time and there are others that need you. Pfft it wouldn't be the first time when a child is born without a parent. Maybe for the better. I should kill myself just so save her from my fucked up brain.
I just wanna die. Why wont anyone understand me? I need help that those legal drugs can't fix. I don't want others to suffer cause of me. Then why is it so wrong that id kill myself?Is it right to make others suffer, maybe even kill others just so id deserve to die? and then its okei that im dead. What the hell... And by the social norm, it okay... Is it tho? I wanna die so i dont hurt anyone else, but thats not the norm. And when i go off on a killing spree get killed in the process, then they start asking them selfs what went wrong and how could this happen. Why not avoid it and let me just die.
Now with my child coming, i HAVE to live and not think about these things. How can i not? These thought are with me everyday. I can't hurt others for someone to shoot me cause that would make me a criminal, I can't lay a hand on myself, cause that would make me a Mentally unstable person. Where is the fairness in all of this?
Im so tired of wearing this ''häppy'' mask. its gets so tiring. Why am i like this? Why can't this suffering just end...There is no end to this.
I don't wanna hurt others. but what must i do so others would agree with my point of view? The view that i don't deserve life.
A waste of time and money. And don't come telling me that there is a point, a meaning, There is none. We all die.There is no higher cause or meaning. arghh...
I don't sleep very well. i wake up most night 3-4 times.dreams like i've said before are getting worse and worse. I'm starting to lose hope on everything. I'm having a child. A baby girl. each day that passes, i feel more and more like its a mistake bringing another person into this world knowing that there is so much pain and suffering. I guess thats the reason some have said that its not my time and there are others that need you. Pfft it wouldn't be the first time when a child is born without a parent. Maybe for the better. I should kill myself just so save her from my fucked up brain.
I just wanna die. Why wont anyone understand me? I need help that those legal drugs can't fix. I don't want others to suffer cause of me. Then why is it so wrong that id kill myself?Is it right to make others suffer, maybe even kill others just so id deserve to die? and then its okei that im dead. What the hell... And by the social norm, it okay... Is it tho? I wanna die so i dont hurt anyone else, but thats not the norm. And when i go off on a killing spree get killed in the process, then they start asking them selfs what went wrong and how could this happen. Why not avoid it and let me just die.
Now with my child coming, i HAVE to live and not think about these things. How can i not? These thought are with me everyday. I can't hurt others for someone to shoot me cause that would make me a criminal, I can't lay a hand on myself, cause that would make me a Mentally unstable person. Where is the fairness in all of this?
Im so tired of wearing this ''häppy'' mask. its gets so tiring. Why am i like this? Why can't this suffering just end...There is no end to this.
I don't wanna hurt others. but what must i do so others would agree with my point of view? The view that i don't deserve life.
A waste of time and money. And don't come telling me that there is a point, a meaning, There is none. We all die.There is no higher cause or meaning. arghh...
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