''It's okay.''

The standard answer to every time when someone ask if I'm okay or if they can help me.They can't,People who have been paid for fixing me have failed. How could a random one find the fix? Also if someone hasn't suffered, lived his/her life thru with bliss and happiness, no problems no worries, can help me? ME?! I don't even remember what it feels like to feel actual happiness. I have no problem with smiling when its funny,but I haven't felt actually happy in quite some time now.

I don't sleep very well. i wake up most night 3-4 times.dreams like i've said before are getting worse and worse. I'm starting to lose hope on everything. I'm having a child. A baby girl. each day that passes, i feel more and more like its a mistake bringing another person into this world knowing that there is so much pain and suffering. I guess thats the reason some have said that its not my time and there are others that need you. Pfft it wouldn't be the first time when a child is born without a parent. Maybe for the better. I should kill myself just so save her from my fucked up brain.


I just wanna die. Why wont anyone understand me? I need help that those legal drugs can't fix. I don't want others to suffer cause of me. Then why is it so wrong that id kill myself?Is it right to make others suffer, maybe even kill others just so id deserve to die? and then its okei that im dead. What the hell... And by the social norm, it okay... Is it tho? I wanna die so i dont hurt anyone else, but thats not the norm. And when i go off on a killing spree get killed in the process, then they start asking them selfs what went wrong and how could this happen. Why not avoid it and let me just die.

Now with my child coming, i HAVE to live and not think about these things. How can i not? These thought are with me everyday. I can't hurt others for someone to shoot me cause that would make me a criminal, I can't lay a hand on myself, cause that would make me a Mentally unstable person. Where is the fairness in all of this?

Im so tired of wearing this ''häppy'' mask. its gets so tiring. Why am i like this? Why can't this suffering just end...There is no end to this.

I don't wanna hurt others. but what must i do so others would agree with my point of view? The view that i don't deserve life.
A waste of time and money. And don't come telling me that there is a point, a meaning, There is none. We all die.There is no higher cause or meaning. arghh...