Althou i never asked for it, im still here.
I've tried multiple times since the last time i wrote something here to not be here... all of them failed.
either thru dumb luck or pure understanding that even tho I'm ready to go, Others won't be. But at the end of the day I'm still looking for a way to leave others behind. Just in a way that others won't blame them self.
I still think that the time that is spent on me is a waste. i still think that i should have died on that table in the hospital. For some reason i despise the fact that i'm alive. I feel like I'm a burden for everyone else. People don't know what I'm really like. Wearing this mask of self-confidence and happiness is dragging me down. But... At the end of the day... I still wear it. Even in front of my brother. I just want this suffering to end.
I can't remember what it feels to really feel happy. Everyday it feels like i'm going thru with emotions, hoping that no-one would ask how i really am. When people ask that I say its ok or try to avoid the topic, cause I know that they would behave differently in front of me and a completely different way behind me. I drown myself in work. avoid people. The only times I can be me is the bus ride home which is about an hour and at night when my brother is sleeping.
I cry often by myself. When i know that no-one would know. I can't stop thinking about suicide or death. It feels like its the only thing that i deserve. Being alive hurts me daily, but i can't kill myself right? Not because its selfish, but because it would hurt others. People care about themselves, about their pain. What about me? What about my pain? What about the thoughts I have everyday? It feels like everything i do is a disappointment to everybody else. It is hard to explain what i feel daily but its curb-stomping me.
Even thru some days its not that bad. It's something that i know will come back the next day or the day after that. I've heard that the cure for me is self-love or positive thinking. It's not that easy. HOW can i love myself when i hate everything about me?
I can't talk about these thing with anyone. it would make me seem crazy or they will stop talking to me. making me stay in this same place again. So, I choose to keep my mouth shut and just suffer in silence.
It's not that i don't wanna be happy. I just can't bring myself to care... I often think why? why me? why am i like this? why can't i be like everybody else? Why? WHY?! That's why i have two of myself. One for myself. and another for everyone else. So they won't see me they way I really am. And I get tired of fighting it, it’s exhausting trying to be positive all the time. It’s like fighting an endless battle that’s becoming harder and harder, and to say I can deal with it, is a lie. Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough. It’s like no matter how much I push myself, how much I do the right things. My mind is always going to win, and I fear that one day I’m going succumb to it and I’m going to give in. I’m going to surrender to the pain and just exist.
