Its hard to come back and write,but ... im upset (suprise,suprise) ...at the moment I'm near Tartu where i suppose live . well actually near Roiu which is near Tartu... im visiting my best friend's girlfriend. So,
Today , We (Me,Tan and Liisu ( the girlfriend)) made sauna, and seeing how happy they are made me think about the things that im missing in my life... Its alot... But im glad that im single ... Because then i cant hurt people like i did in the past. Just don't want anything like that on my heart... Yet i know people that are even shittier men then me and they have girlfriends... then i just lose it... thinking that maybe im just such a bad person that everybody who meets just automaticly starts hating me... well maybe its me but its seems to be so... On so many occasions i feel like just take a gun and fucking do it
But then Tannu and Rait pop into my mind... and start Fucking up the plans, Maybe it will be for the best... maybe everything will chance after im gone, maybe that's my destiny... Maybe that's the thing i need , what the people need...
As days pass by i feel more and more alone,leftout,useless,unneeded... As my mind gets more hostile against myself, thing get worse and worse...
Ou yeah and today when others were washing up i was in the sauna ,alone and i thought about the reasons i drink alot, Here's the result:
Maybe the cause of my ideas about me being a shity man ,makes me wanna be a shity man ,deep inside.
It's hard to put it in words but in my mind everything is diffrent and complex, as my mental doctor( i dont actually know what's the meaning in english but i hope you'll know what i mean) said :
''You have a golden heart, but it's filled with hate and anger. You're a good person ,but things just don't out for you.''
She asked my why i wanna kill myself. after 5 sessions as i was leaving and She stopped me and said
''Robi,I know its been hard for you, but Stay strong, don't give up, I belive in you.''
At that moment i froze , and a single tear fell from my eye... (just so you know as your reading this know that people who read this thing im writing, know this story.)
Okei I got some of the pain out there so i feel better but things will not change for me ...
Bye
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