Hey!
It gets harder and harder to hold myself back... It seems like its never going to end. Maybe i can help it along sometime soon. Its been a rough few weeks... im a nobody, a freak of nature. I can't go and ask for help anymore. They wouldn't understand.
I'm scared. Scared that my little girl will grow up without me. Scared about what will my SO say about me after me. This life is not made for me. She is unhappy with me and i can't blame Her. It's me. I'm the problem. They don't realize it yet but they will. Life without me is better. Choosing between two evils, You should always choose the lesser evil. The lesser evil being me being dead. I can't hurt anyone anymore then. I feel like im going out on a blaze of glory. Do the things that the system can't. The system doesn't care for whats right or wrong. They look for someone to blame, unless its the system of course, then its all fine.
My little girl... my spark... my hope...
I can already see who She will hate me. I can't blame Her either. After all i'm the problem.
It's better if i just end it.
Going on 25 soon.
Hey,
it's been a while again, but as they say, i'm hanging on.
My falling deeper and deeper into my thoughts. The negative ones. The full numbness is tearing me apart. Problems at home and work. having a hard time distinguishing between my job and family time. My thoughts have been getting tougher and tougher. but at the same time the numbness is making it a bit easier as i can't find the motivation to care. I'm always down low, except of course when i have to wear my ''happy'' mask.
It feels like its never getting better, just problems on problems and its dragging me down. Not sure what to do about it... feels like there isn't anything to do. i'm writing it down to get it off my chest. I'm avoiding talking to people face-to-face, just to not see their attitude towards me. Not sure if anyone ever cares. Is this what adulthood is like? just constant numbness and the desire to die? I can't remember the last time I really felt happiness.
it's been a while again, but as they say, i'm hanging on.
My falling deeper and deeper into my thoughts. The negative ones. The full numbness is tearing me apart. Problems at home and work. having a hard time distinguishing between my job and family time. My thoughts have been getting tougher and tougher. but at the same time the numbness is making it a bit easier as i can't find the motivation to care. I'm always down low, except of course when i have to wear my ''happy'' mask.
It feels like its never getting better, just problems on problems and its dragging me down. Not sure what to do about it... feels like there isn't anything to do. i'm writing it down to get it off my chest. I'm avoiding talking to people face-to-face, just to not see their attitude towards me. Not sure if anyone ever cares. Is this what adulthood is like? just constant numbness and the desire to die? I can't remember the last time I really felt happiness.
Even after all this...
Thing will never change.
I will be trapped in my personal hell without a door to get out. Each day it gets worse and worse.
Each day I go to work, I think of just stepping infront of a bus or a car. The pain never ends. How can one go on like this? My perfect mask is starting to crack. People have started seeing the real me. I guess its time to quit and move on. Out of here. I don't wanna die, but I don't wanna live anymore either. I'm drowning.
some have asked if im okay. i say im fine but... I'm not. How can i explain to someone the feelings, the thoughts? What would it change? Nothing! If I tell people all that changes is the way they look at me. i've seen those looks too much. and its not something i thrive for.
So here i sit. Hating life. fearing death. Alone because I can't tell people how i feel. Hating other people.
Everyday the same shit, just a different date.
If no more posts appear. I hope they remember me. but they probably wont.
I will be trapped in my personal hell without a door to get out. Each day it gets worse and worse.
Each day I go to work, I think of just stepping infront of a bus or a car. The pain never ends. How can one go on like this? My perfect mask is starting to crack. People have started seeing the real me. I guess its time to quit and move on. Out of here. I don't wanna die, but I don't wanna live anymore either. I'm drowning.
some have asked if im okay. i say im fine but... I'm not. How can i explain to someone the feelings, the thoughts? What would it change? Nothing! If I tell people all that changes is the way they look at me. i've seen those looks too much. and its not something i thrive for.
So here i sit. Hating life. fearing death. Alone because I can't tell people how i feel. Hating other people.
Everyday the same shit, just a different date.
If no more posts appear. I hope they remember me. but they probably wont.
I'm not sure who I am anymore.
Im not sure if My view of the world is changing really fast or I don't know myself anymore.
Everything feels so strange...
Everything feels so strange...
''Healing'' Nayo jones
I had a therapist tell me once, it was ironic how much love I gave out cuz I didn’t give much to myself. She laughed, like self-love was a sick joke. I chuckled and cried at home. I had someone tell me once, I could not love anyone else until I learn to love myself. This time, I got to laugh. This time, The sick joke was mine was me. Might as well wait forever. I remember hating myself at the age of seven, journals filled to the brim with criticisms. By eight, I had enough pages to stitch them into wings to fly close enough to the sun to see my tears turn to steam, felt the wax burn on my shoulders and mold into thick skin. I was nine when I wanted to die. Thirteen when I finally found a solution, figured if I cut my legs enough gravity would let me go. When it didn’t, I tied a pillowcase around my neck, twisting like the rope swings I knew so well from childhood heard my heartbeat pound in my ears like a warning drum, then fade. I’d almost convinced myself I’d done it. When I started writing, I smeared my blood on every page to remind myself that everything beautiful has a consequence. I’d hoped to stall the clotting long enough to give myself to the craft and let myself go. I have died so many times. So when I told you that loving you almost makes life worth it I was not joking. When I tell you That loving you almost makes me forget how much I hate myself, It is not poetry. Loving you is taking all of the love I could never give myself and putting it to good use. It is reminding myself that if someone can love a dying thing this way, can hold the Lazarus of my body and give thanks for the way it holds back - if someone can kiss the scars administer the pills absorb the bad days and wake up smiling next to me, then I can try to breathe again. Because self-love does not always come first. Or second. Or even ever. But your love be the guardrail on the edge be the drawers that hide all the sharp things be the body that carries my collapsed frame into bed be the flowers you bought; because even though they are dying too they still dance. Love will not heal me, will not wipe my slate of my body clean - I will always be a woman of wounds of rope-mark neck and melted skin. Love will not heal me; but it will hold my hand if I ever heal myself and maybe teach me a joke that I can stay alive long enough to laugh at. I love you enough to want to love myself too.
a poem
explaining my depression to my mother
a conversation
mom
my depression is a shapeshifter
one day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear
the next it's the bear
on those days i play dead until the bear leaves me alone
i call the bad days "the dark days"
mom says "trying lighting candles"
but when i see a candle i see the flesh of a church
the flicker of a flame
strikes of a memory younger than noon
i am standing besides her open casket
it is the moment i learn every person i ever come to know will some day die
besides mom
i'm not afraid of the dark
perhaps that's part of the problem
mom says "i thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed"
i can't. anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house
inside of my head
mom says "where did anxiety come from"
anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party
mom i am the party
only i am a party i don't want to be at
mom says "why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends"
sure, i make plans
i make plans but i don't want to go
i make plans because i know i should want to go
it's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun mom
you see, mom
each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms
dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company
mom says "try counting sheep"
but my mind can only count reasons to stay awake
so i go for walks
but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons
held in strong arms with loose wrists
they ring in my ears like clumsy church bells
reminding me that i am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness
that i can not baptize myself in
mom says "happy is a decision"
but my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
my happy is a high fever that will break
mom says that i am so good at making something out of nothing
and then flat out asks me if i am afraid of dying
no mom, i am afraid of living
mom i am lonely
i think i learned that when dad left how to turn the anger into lonely
the lonely into busy
so when i say i've been super busy lately i mean i've been falling asleep on the couch watching sports center to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed
but my depression will always bring me back to my bed
until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city
my mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves
the hallow auditorium of my chest swoones with the echoes of a heart beat
but i am just a careless toiurist here
i will never truly know everywhere i have been
mom still doesn't understand
mom, can't you see
that neither can i
a conversation
mom
my depression is a shapeshifter
one day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear
the next it's the bear
on those days i play dead until the bear leaves me alone
i call the bad days "the dark days"
mom says "trying lighting candles"
but when i see a candle i see the flesh of a church
the flicker of a flame
strikes of a memory younger than noon
i am standing besides her open casket
it is the moment i learn every person i ever come to know will some day die
besides mom
i'm not afraid of the dark
perhaps that's part of the problem
mom says "i thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed"
i can't. anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house
inside of my head
mom says "where did anxiety come from"
anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party
mom i am the party
only i am a party i don't want to be at
mom says "why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends"
sure, i make plans
i make plans but i don't want to go
i make plans because i know i should want to go
it's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun mom
you see, mom
each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms
dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company
mom says "try counting sheep"
but my mind can only count reasons to stay awake
so i go for walks
but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons
held in strong arms with loose wrists
they ring in my ears like clumsy church bells
reminding me that i am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness
that i can not baptize myself in
mom says "happy is a decision"
but my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
my happy is a high fever that will break
mom says that i am so good at making something out of nothing
and then flat out asks me if i am afraid of dying
no mom, i am afraid of living
mom i am lonely
i think i learned that when dad left how to turn the anger into lonely
the lonely into busy
so when i say i've been super busy lately i mean i've been falling asleep on the couch watching sports center to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed
but my depression will always bring me back to my bed
until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city
my mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves
the hallow auditorium of my chest swoones with the echoes of a heart beat
but i am just a careless toiurist here
i will never truly know everywhere i have been
mom still doesn't understand
mom, can't you see
that neither can i
Fake smile
There's a girl in the corner, just turned 18
Ever since she was little it was always her dream
To marry a man who would treat her just right
With loving best friends for the rest of her life
But as she grew up, her friends all grew cold
So she twisted her life just to fit in their mould
Now her biggest fear is that she'll be rejected
She'll try anything to feel loved and accepted
She posts photos on Instagram, hoping that now
Her body attracts what her heart can't somehow
Slowly turning herself into something she's not
Desperate for anyone to think that she's hot
But the love that she craves has never come through
And the dreams she once held just haven't come true
If you ask how she is, she'll say that she's fine
She disguises it well but she's dying inside
She tried parties and drinking, just a little to start
Anything to fill that big hole in her heart
Now she's sleeping around, hoping love will be found
But her heart lies empty from the sorrows she's drowned
'Cause deep down she knows that she is not bold
She puts on her fake smile while she bleeds
On the outside she'll build so her life will seem filled
But on the inside she's never complete
There's a boy on the streets, acting all rough
Bullying others just to make him feel tough
He puts on a show so his ego will grow
Puts everyone down to try and raise himself up
People assume that he's always been cold
It seems like there's nothing that could tame his soul
On the outside he's callous, with a heart made of steel
But inside he's been broken by the pain that he feels
He's the abuser at school, but at home he's abused
With a dad always drunk and a mum always bruised
He's lost count of the times that he's gone to bed crying
He's never found peace and he's got tired of trying
Now he's lost all his hope and his trust has worn thin
So he hurts others first before they can hurt him
He takes out his pain on the kids at his school
While desperate for someone to think that he's cool
He buries it deep so the world never sees
All the heartache and heartbreak brings his heart straight to its knees
He fights with his friends while he wrestles with doubt
Feels he's been dealt bad hand, so he's dealing it out
But down deep he knows that he is not bold
He puts on his fake smile while he bleeds
On the outside he'll build so his life will seem filled
But on the inside he's never complete
Though we try not to show it, and all try to fix it
In our hearts we're all broken but no one admits it
They say that it's what's on the inside that counts
We all put on a brave face but on the inside we doubt
We're all scared of the world, we don't know what we're facing
We're longing for something but don't know what we're chasing
Though we face the same things that burden and break us
We all look to each other for some feeling of status
We want people to view us, to follow and like
To favourite our looks and subscribe to our life
We treat retweets like morphine to cover the hurt
Of our friendless existence when our phone doesn't work
We're all grasping at glory and craving acclaim
It's the fuel in our tank, it's the drug in our veins
And soon as it's gone, our heart hits the floor
And we run to self-pity 'til our egos find more
Everyone out there keeps searching around
Just to find the right pill to pick them up when they're down
And we try our best, but we fail our own test
We pretend that we're swimming while we drown
Because deep down we all know that we are not bold
We put on our fake smiles while we bleed
On the outside we build so our lives will seem filled
But on the inside we're never complete
Ever since she was little it was always her dream
To marry a man who would treat her just right
With loving best friends for the rest of her life
But as she grew up, her friends all grew cold
So she twisted her life just to fit in their mould
Now her biggest fear is that she'll be rejected
She'll try anything to feel loved and accepted
She posts photos on Instagram, hoping that now
Her body attracts what her heart can't somehow
Slowly turning herself into something she's not
Desperate for anyone to think that she's hot
But the love that she craves has never come through
And the dreams she once held just haven't come true
If you ask how she is, she'll say that she's fine
She disguises it well but she's dying inside
She tried parties and drinking, just a little to start
Anything to fill that big hole in her heart
Now she's sleeping around, hoping love will be found
But her heart lies empty from the sorrows she's drowned
'Cause deep down she knows that she is not bold
She puts on her fake smile while she bleeds
On the outside she'll build so her life will seem filled
But on the inside she's never complete
There's a boy on the streets, acting all rough
Bullying others just to make him feel tough
He puts on a show so his ego will grow
Puts everyone down to try and raise himself up
People assume that he's always been cold
It seems like there's nothing that could tame his soul
On the outside he's callous, with a heart made of steel
But inside he's been broken by the pain that he feels
He's the abuser at school, but at home he's abused
With a dad always drunk and a mum always bruised
He's lost count of the times that he's gone to bed crying
He's never found peace and he's got tired of trying
Now he's lost all his hope and his trust has worn thin
So he hurts others first before they can hurt him
He takes out his pain on the kids at his school
While desperate for someone to think that he's cool
He buries it deep so the world never sees
All the heartache and heartbreak brings his heart straight to its knees
He fights with his friends while he wrestles with doubt
Feels he's been dealt bad hand, so he's dealing it out
But down deep he knows that he is not bold
He puts on his fake smile while he bleeds
On the outside he'll build so his life will seem filled
But on the inside he's never complete
Though we try not to show it, and all try to fix it
In our hearts we're all broken but no one admits it
They say that it's what's on the inside that counts
We all put on a brave face but on the inside we doubt
We're all scared of the world, we don't know what we're facing
We're longing for something but don't know what we're chasing
Though we face the same things that burden and break us
We all look to each other for some feeling of status
We want people to view us, to follow and like
To favourite our looks and subscribe to our life
We treat retweets like morphine to cover the hurt
Of our friendless existence when our phone doesn't work
We're all grasping at glory and craving acclaim
It's the fuel in our tank, it's the drug in our veins
And soon as it's gone, our heart hits the floor
And we run to self-pity 'til our egos find more
Everyone out there keeps searching around
Just to find the right pill to pick them up when they're down
And we try our best, but we fail our own test
We pretend that we're swimming while we drown
Because deep down we all know that we are not bold
We put on our fake smiles while we bleed
On the outside we build so our lives will seem filled
But on the inside we're never complete
''It's okay.''
The standard answer to every time when someone ask if I'm okay or if they can help me.They can't,People who have been paid for fixing me have failed. How could a random one find the fix? Also if someone hasn't suffered, lived his/her life thru with bliss and happiness, no problems no worries, can help me? ME?! I don't even remember what it feels like to feel actual happiness. I have no problem with smiling when its funny,but I haven't felt actually happy in quite some time now.
I don't sleep very well. i wake up most night 3-4 times.dreams like i've said before are getting worse and worse. I'm starting to lose hope on everything. I'm having a child. A baby girl. each day that passes, i feel more and more like its a mistake bringing another person into this world knowing that there is so much pain and suffering. I guess thats the reason some have said that its not my time and there are others that need you. Pfft it wouldn't be the first time when a child is born without a parent. Maybe for the better. I should kill myself just so save her from my fucked up brain.
I just wanna die. Why wont anyone understand me? I need help that those legal drugs can't fix. I don't want others to suffer cause of me. Then why is it so wrong that id kill myself?Is it right to make others suffer, maybe even kill others just so id deserve to die? and then its okei that im dead. What the hell... And by the social norm, it okay... Is it tho? I wanna die so i dont hurt anyone else, but thats not the norm. And when i go off on a killing spree get killed in the process, then they start asking them selfs what went wrong and how could this happen. Why not avoid it and let me just die.
Now with my child coming, i HAVE to live and not think about these things. How can i not? These thought are with me everyday. I can't hurt others for someone to shoot me cause that would make me a criminal, I can't lay a hand on myself, cause that would make me a Mentally unstable person. Where is the fairness in all of this?
Im so tired of wearing this ''häppy'' mask. its gets so tiring. Why am i like this? Why can't this suffering just end...There is no end to this.
I don't wanna hurt others. but what must i do so others would agree with my point of view? The view that i don't deserve life.
A waste of time and money. And don't come telling me that there is a point, a meaning, There is none. We all die.There is no higher cause or meaning. arghh...
I don't sleep very well. i wake up most night 3-4 times.dreams like i've said before are getting worse and worse. I'm starting to lose hope on everything. I'm having a child. A baby girl. each day that passes, i feel more and more like its a mistake bringing another person into this world knowing that there is so much pain and suffering. I guess thats the reason some have said that its not my time and there are others that need you. Pfft it wouldn't be the first time when a child is born without a parent. Maybe for the better. I should kill myself just so save her from my fucked up brain.
I just wanna die. Why wont anyone understand me? I need help that those legal drugs can't fix. I don't want others to suffer cause of me. Then why is it so wrong that id kill myself?Is it right to make others suffer, maybe even kill others just so id deserve to die? and then its okei that im dead. What the hell... And by the social norm, it okay... Is it tho? I wanna die so i dont hurt anyone else, but thats not the norm. And when i go off on a killing spree get killed in the process, then they start asking them selfs what went wrong and how could this happen. Why not avoid it and let me just die.
Now with my child coming, i HAVE to live and not think about these things. How can i not? These thought are with me everyday. I can't hurt others for someone to shoot me cause that would make me a criminal, I can't lay a hand on myself, cause that would make me a Mentally unstable person. Where is the fairness in all of this?
Im so tired of wearing this ''häppy'' mask. its gets so tiring. Why am i like this? Why can't this suffering just end...There is no end to this.
I don't wanna hurt others. but what must i do so others would agree with my point of view? The view that i don't deserve life.
A waste of time and money. And don't come telling me that there is a point, a meaning, There is none. We all die.There is no higher cause or meaning. arghh...
What is so wrong with me wanting to die?
I've heard a lot that it's a sickness for someone to ask for death. How come? Don't we all wish for something?wealth, happiness, overall things to fill the void in us? Then how come my wish is so bad?I just don't care anymore. I should be happy, filled with bliss. But for some reason I can't find a reason to be happy... We thrive to achieve happiness and wealth (what ever floats your boat i guess) , but when i ask for death,I'm told that i need help and that i should be medicated. Why is that? Is that better, when i need medication to be ''OKAY'' for you. When I'm heavily medicated, I'm okay and productive? Socially acceptable? Someone who can be called a friend? Someone who others aren't afraid to talk to?
How can other people he happy? I don't get it. Can't they see what's going on around them? Hatred, Suffering and pain everywhere you look. How can they not see the pain? How can't they feel it? There is so much pain on this planet.Do they just ignore it and move on? Or they notice it and snuff it out? Or is my mind just fucked up enough to feel the pain around me?
I'm trying to make sense of all these things,but each day things get more and more complicated. New things pop up, i see things that make me assess my opinions on things. all i know is that Death is the only way, in a way. I know that if i kill myself than i'd never see what happens after my death, but also do i wanna see what time brings me? I'm sure that I don't even know what happiness feels like. The thing that brings me down the most is that I wanna talk to others about my thoughts, but talking about them doesn't change anything. The problems still remain and the sadness will not vanish. It's still there. I might feel better for a minute or two but as soon as I'm alone again. It starts. And I Can't do anything about it.
There are a lot of things that I can't explain, In my head. In this blog/diary I try to put it in writing. Maybe one day someone finds it and it will at least help a bit. Cause I'm afraid that it's already too late for me. There are no happy endings. It's all just pain and suffering and we carry on, making a face that it's all okay and we are fine.
Why can't I just die?
How can other people he happy? I don't get it. Can't they see what's going on around them? Hatred, Suffering and pain everywhere you look. How can they not see the pain? How can't they feel it? There is so much pain on this planet.Do they just ignore it and move on? Or they notice it and snuff it out? Or is my mind just fucked up enough to feel the pain around me?
I'm trying to make sense of all these things,but each day things get more and more complicated. New things pop up, i see things that make me assess my opinions on things. all i know is that Death is the only way, in a way. I know that if i kill myself than i'd never see what happens after my death, but also do i wanna see what time brings me? I'm sure that I don't even know what happiness feels like. The thing that brings me down the most is that I wanna talk to others about my thoughts, but talking about them doesn't change anything. The problems still remain and the sadness will not vanish. It's still there. I might feel better for a minute or two but as soon as I'm alone again. It starts. And I Can't do anything about it.
There are a lot of things that I can't explain, In my head. In this blog/diary I try to put it in writing. Maybe one day someone finds it and it will at least help a bit. Cause I'm afraid that it's already too late for me. There are no happy endings. It's all just pain and suffering and we carry on, making a face that it's all okay and we are fine.
Why can't I just die?
Do i...
I've been thinking, Which is worse? Me ending my suffering or Me hurting people by being alive?
You might be wondering how could i think like that, but you can't see what i experience, right? I see everyday how others feel uneasy around me. People think that they care about me and that they want to help me. But they can't or as soon as they realize what is going on with me, They pull back and avoid me. As soon as i speak to someone about my thoughts and emotions, they understand that i can't be helped and/or they don't need that kind of negativity in their life. When there is someone who is worried about me now, i just say i'm okay and that its just a bad day. What they don't know is that everyday is a bad day. and then there are the days in hell from time-to-time. Times where everything is darker and i can't control it. it's either shit or a shitstorm pretty much. But... i quess this is the path i've been on for a while now. and i'm not sure if there is another path for me anymore.
I had someone tell me that it's mildly weird how much love i give out, but how little i give myself. i've been thinking about it for a while now and it feels like it might be true. I care about others than i do myself. Gladly giving a way my body, my organs, my money and my time for the short feeling of being useful. It dies quite fast, This feeling. And yet, it's a small victory dont you think? Sometimes i think that i've pretty much pushed everyone away from myself to avoid hurting them.
If i'd die tommorrow, would it matter in the long run?You'd cry for me? I'd be honored! The memory of me would die out quite fast. No one would care if they can't be with me or miss being with me. Sure, they would be sad for a bit, but that will be pass. I've been away for so long that im pretty sure that most of the people who know me, don't even remember anymore what it feels like to ''hang out'' with me. I'm not sure that I even do. They say that its wrong to kill yourself and that you have a lot to live for. I can't find myself seeing it like that.
If there is a God, Does it care? about ''His'' creations? The fruit of ''his'' mind or thoughts? Humans suffer, while they speak of caring for yourself and others around you. Humans prepare for war while talking of peace. How come is this the best that the humankind can do? The rich lie, steal and legally mess with hard working people and get away with it. Humans don't care for eachother. We only care about the concept of wealth. We are greedy, sad, self-centered beings and incapable of understanding each other. Has ''He'' abandoned us? Saw us as a failed experiment and discarded us? Saw that most of the peoples free-will will cause the people to now belive in ''Him'', and didn't wanna end us but left us just for the will of the cosmos? I can't belive in something that i can't see nor feel. Until then I will not care for the cause of ''God''. What if the paradise the they say we would arrive at after death is just like this? What if we have already lived our lives and this is the paradise that we speak of? Or... What if this is the hell that they scare us into being obedient? What if this is the afterlife we all endure?
There are no happy endings. Strangers kill each other without a real reason. This is war. The desire to have peace, gives rise to war. How can we keep on saying that we are the Smartest species or the Prime survivor of evolution? our track record is not that great, how can we say things like that? Seek vengeance in the name of justice? and when that happens, this justice will give way to more hatred.
The humankind is destined to suffer and die out on this planet.
You might be wondering how could i think like that, but you can't see what i experience, right? I see everyday how others feel uneasy around me. People think that they care about me and that they want to help me. But they can't or as soon as they realize what is going on with me, They pull back and avoid me. As soon as i speak to someone about my thoughts and emotions, they understand that i can't be helped and/or they don't need that kind of negativity in their life. When there is someone who is worried about me now, i just say i'm okay and that its just a bad day. What they don't know is that everyday is a bad day. and then there are the days in hell from time-to-time. Times where everything is darker and i can't control it. it's either shit or a shitstorm pretty much. But... i quess this is the path i've been on for a while now. and i'm not sure if there is another path for me anymore.
I had someone tell me that it's mildly weird how much love i give out, but how little i give myself. i've been thinking about it for a while now and it feels like it might be true. I care about others than i do myself. Gladly giving a way my body, my organs, my money and my time for the short feeling of being useful. It dies quite fast, This feeling. And yet, it's a small victory dont you think? Sometimes i think that i've pretty much pushed everyone away from myself to avoid hurting them.
If i'd die tommorrow, would it matter in the long run?You'd cry for me? I'd be honored! The memory of me would die out quite fast. No one would care if they can't be with me or miss being with me. Sure, they would be sad for a bit, but that will be pass. I've been away for so long that im pretty sure that most of the people who know me, don't even remember anymore what it feels like to ''hang out'' with me. I'm not sure that I even do. They say that its wrong to kill yourself and that you have a lot to live for. I can't find myself seeing it like that.
If there is a God, Does it care? about ''His'' creations? The fruit of ''his'' mind or thoughts? Humans suffer, while they speak of caring for yourself and others around you. Humans prepare for war while talking of peace. How come is this the best that the humankind can do? The rich lie, steal and legally mess with hard working people and get away with it. Humans don't care for eachother. We only care about the concept of wealth. We are greedy, sad, self-centered beings and incapable of understanding each other. Has ''He'' abandoned us? Saw us as a failed experiment and discarded us? Saw that most of the peoples free-will will cause the people to now belive in ''Him'', and didn't wanna end us but left us just for the will of the cosmos? I can't belive in something that i can't see nor feel. Until then I will not care for the cause of ''God''. What if the paradise the they say we would arrive at after death is just like this? What if we have already lived our lives and this is the paradise that we speak of? Or... What if this is the hell that they scare us into being obedient? What if this is the afterlife we all endure?
There are no happy endings. Strangers kill each other without a real reason. This is war. The desire to have peace, gives rise to war. How can we keep on saying that we are the Smartest species or the Prime survivor of evolution? our track record is not that great, how can we say things like that? Seek vengeance in the name of justice? and when that happens, this justice will give way to more hatred.
The humankind is destined to suffer and die out on this planet.
304-328-4993
Not sure, but it feels like im losing my mind. With my thoughts worsening, My dreams becoming bloodier and more hectic. How can i be sure, right? Well im clearly not normal. On the other hand, What is normal? It's weird that to be ''normal'' for others i need to take pills. Those pills make me feel weird and sloppy, but at the same time. maybe that's what ''normal'' is. Is it wrong to be unsure about my feelings about God, Life and the daily struggle? We suffer daily, but for some reason we keep going. We push aside the thought that everyday we try to postpone death, But we all also know that this will not last forever. That someday a moment will arise, where you realize that this is it. The end. My final moments. Will we be proud of ourselves after we die? Look back and feel like we have done everything right? Or will we see the mistakes we made and how it all could have gone in a totally different path?
Why is it so bad, That i can't stop thinking about death? When I tell people about my thoughts and my lust for death. They usually say that: Don't think like that. You shouldn't be thinking like that.
Who told you that its wrong? What if im right? What if thru my death alot will change? What if im the change people need.
Love leads to hatred. It's a endless cycle. We talk of peace and prosperity but we build for war and suffering. The motivation of money is too strong for people to change. As long as there are people, there will be war and conflict. I think that the problem about it is that people don't know pain. We all feel the same pain when we lose someone close to us.
It angers me that me wanting to die out of my own decisions is so wrong, but sending people to kill and be killed is being praised and awarded medals. Those people that decide that we are at war, will be safe and sound, so will the people close to them. but those who go off fighting, Die. Those who make it back are traumatised, crippled, Damaged beyond body and mind. And that is fine? Praised? And me wanting to die is such a bad thing.
with days passing i find it harder and harder to find a cause. I heard a smart guy tell me once that: Work on things when the end result is more or equal to the struggle, otherwise you are losing time and money. Well im having problems seeing what would the end game benefit be for me? A life of regret and sadness? Unhappy memories and hatred? Self-doubt and missed chances.
I'ts hard to see thru the darkness.
Why is it so bad, That i can't stop thinking about death? When I tell people about my thoughts and my lust for death. They usually say that: Don't think like that. You shouldn't be thinking like that.
Who told you that its wrong? What if im right? What if thru my death alot will change? What if im the change people need.
Love leads to hatred. It's a endless cycle. We talk of peace and prosperity but we build for war and suffering. The motivation of money is too strong for people to change. As long as there are people, there will be war and conflict. I think that the problem about it is that people don't know pain. We all feel the same pain when we lose someone close to us.
It angers me that me wanting to die out of my own decisions is so wrong, but sending people to kill and be killed is being praised and awarded medals. Those people that decide that we are at war, will be safe and sound, so will the people close to them. but those who go off fighting, Die. Those who make it back are traumatised, crippled, Damaged beyond body and mind. And that is fine? Praised? And me wanting to die is such a bad thing.
with days passing i find it harder and harder to find a cause. I heard a smart guy tell me once that: Work on things when the end result is more or equal to the struggle, otherwise you are losing time and money. Well im having problems seeing what would the end game benefit be for me? A life of regret and sadness? Unhappy memories and hatred? Self-doubt and missed chances.
I'ts hard to see thru the darkness.
Where is it written down?
Lately, I've been thinking. Looking for a reason, why should i live. No luck at the moment, althou figured something out. It's not written down that, I HAVE to live. nowhere. There is only this social pressure to keep on goin', cause killing yourself is socially frowned on. The people closed to you get hurt for a while. but nobody sees the hurt you're in daily. So, What do you do in this case? Crack under the pressure and end it? or suffer in silence and become disconnected from everybody else. Not being able to care about others nor yourself. Hating waking up every morning.
I got in trouble for the daily mask i wear to work and now i'm thinking that i shouldn't wear it anymore. Not sure how they feel about the real me. They don't know the dark side of the mask. I don't even like it, but i can't avoid the dark side. I can only make it so others don't see this side of me.
My thoughts are getting worse and worse everyday. I'm really struggling with the idea of living. My dreams are faint and pointless. I've lost all enjoyment of life. Things that excited me before, don't offer any satisfaction nor glimpses of hope. There seems to no other escape then death. BUT... as i said before, I can't do it. It would be unfair and cruel for the people around me. Some might blame each other or themself or try to find a reason. There is no bigger reason than i just don't feel like i should be here, i have no purpose, no satisfaction, there is no happiness for me. So, i continue to suffer in silence and hopefully nobody can see thru it all.
My nightmares are getting worse and worse. They are violent, bloody and for the wrong reasons make me feel better. They shouldn't. Killing others in your dreams shouldn't make you feel better. Having blood on your hands in your dreams shouldn't make you feel better. They are so real, i fear that one day, something will push me over and i wont be able to make a difference between my dreams or real life. I don't wanna hurt people, but the hurt and anger in me grows like a bamboo stick.
*Real change doesn't come from laws or agreements*
Obsessed with work, obsessed with family, obsessed with ourselves. A worthless compulsion that enslaves us and limits our capabilities, leading us to fear what we don't understand.
I got in trouble for the daily mask i wear to work and now i'm thinking that i shouldn't wear it anymore. Not sure how they feel about the real me. They don't know the dark side of the mask. I don't even like it, but i can't avoid the dark side. I can only make it so others don't see this side of me.
My thoughts are getting worse and worse everyday. I'm really struggling with the idea of living. My dreams are faint and pointless. I've lost all enjoyment of life. Things that excited me before, don't offer any satisfaction nor glimpses of hope. There seems to no other escape then death. BUT... as i said before, I can't do it. It would be unfair and cruel for the people around me. Some might blame each other or themself or try to find a reason. There is no bigger reason than i just don't feel like i should be here, i have no purpose, no satisfaction, there is no happiness for me. So, i continue to suffer in silence and hopefully nobody can see thru it all.
My nightmares are getting worse and worse. They are violent, bloody and for the wrong reasons make me feel better. They shouldn't. Killing others in your dreams shouldn't make you feel better. Having blood on your hands in your dreams shouldn't make you feel better. They are so real, i fear that one day, something will push me over and i wont be able to make a difference between my dreams or real life. I don't wanna hurt people, but the hurt and anger in me grows like a bamboo stick.
*Real change doesn't come from laws or agreements*
Obsessed with work, obsessed with family, obsessed with ourselves. A worthless compulsion that enslaves us and limits our capabilities, leading us to fear what we don't understand.
Dreams
Lately, i've been having this dream.
I'm walking on a street. The people walking towards me have their faces messed up. They are lookin straight at me. Even tho i dont see them looking at me, i can feel it.
Im picked up by a van. They blind my eye. i wake up at this point, for a brief second. Next moment, im in a room. its dark and it feels cold. At this point i realise that im in the dream again, but i cant control the dream.
After that, i see a spotlight ahead of me. I walk towards it. I'm fighting now and not in a civil matter My hands are bloody and filled with cuts. there is a lot of blood around me. I hurt them, the people without faces. i hear someone calling me. The voice scrapes my soul. I hear it when im awake. Next thing, im at a farm of somewhere. People i say are my friends are there, so is my family. They are yelling at me. Then they beat me and i can't do anything about it. it feels like this goes on for hours. But then i wake up. and for some reason it feels even worse. like i've woken up into a worse one. A place where the pain is real. my thoughts are real. and the faces are real but still staring at me. This place is making uneasy, sad and miserable. I call this a dream for a reason. This reality feels like a nightmare. Sometimes it feels like im trying at the wrong things. like my life is worthless and that everything i do has no effect nor purpose. The fact that i will not be remembered haunts me. Daily. Everything i do, or everything that i could do wouldn't matter. I'm just a statistic on a board and in paper. Just someone who was born and someone who has died... If you disagree, tell me about the farmers 500 years ago... Show me their names and tell me what they are thinking.
Sometimes my thoughts seem like they are what is wrong with me. And i don't know how to stop them. i've found weed helps me focus and keep the thoughts on a pause somewhat. I'd say manageable at least.
'' does not matter what the man has, if he doesn't have a purpose, You take that away from him, Man goes with it soon.''
And so i go on wearing this mask of ''greatness''
Until next time.
I'm walking on a street. The people walking towards me have their faces messed up. They are lookin straight at me. Even tho i dont see them looking at me, i can feel it.
Im picked up by a van. They blind my eye. i wake up at this point, for a brief second. Next moment, im in a room. its dark and it feels cold. At this point i realise that im in the dream again, but i cant control the dream.
After that, i see a spotlight ahead of me. I walk towards it. I'm fighting now and not in a civil matter My hands are bloody and filled with cuts. there is a lot of blood around me. I hurt them, the people without faces. i hear someone calling me. The voice scrapes my soul. I hear it when im awake. Next thing, im at a farm of somewhere. People i say are my friends are there, so is my family. They are yelling at me. Then they beat me and i can't do anything about it. it feels like this goes on for hours. But then i wake up. and for some reason it feels even worse. like i've woken up into a worse one. A place where the pain is real. my thoughts are real. and the faces are real but still staring at me. This place is making uneasy, sad and miserable. I call this a dream for a reason. This reality feels like a nightmare. Sometimes it feels like im trying at the wrong things. like my life is worthless and that everything i do has no effect nor purpose. The fact that i will not be remembered haunts me. Daily. Everything i do, or everything that i could do wouldn't matter. I'm just a statistic on a board and in paper. Just someone who was born and someone who has died... If you disagree, tell me about the farmers 500 years ago... Show me their names and tell me what they are thinking.
Sometimes my thoughts seem like they are what is wrong with me. And i don't know how to stop them. i've found weed helps me focus and keep the thoughts on a pause somewhat. I'd say manageable at least.
'' does not matter what the man has, if he doesn't have a purpose, You take that away from him, Man goes with it soon.''
And so i go on wearing this mask of ''greatness''
Until next time.
Ups and downs
For as long as I can remember I’ve always had this void in my life,
It’s this empty feeling deep deep inside of you,
that you can’t quite shake - no matter how hard you try.
It sort of consumes and eats away at you,
You’ll have great happy moments and just when you thought everything was fine - surprise!
The feeling always comes back, it’s just a matter of time.
The constant frustration to fill this void, something to ease the pain.
What’s the cause? Nobody knows,
Yet you feel the same sad emptiness every single day
It leaves me feeling so empty and down
like I’m missing something somehow
something that’s a big part of me
and once I have it, I’ll be happy
I just need that one thing, this missing key,
and when I get my hands on it, I’ll be complete.
I’ve tried everything - friends, education, material stuff,
but no matter how hard I try, it never seems to be enough,
It sucks,
and I know people will say that you just need to be positive,
or the solution to all of your problems is self love
But it’s not as simple as that,
not when you’ve got to the point where you just feel numb.
I so badly want to fill my heart with so much happiness that it takes all the sadness away
My childhood was so dark and angry that I always thought, in my adult life things would change.
Somehow I would no longer feel the same,
and I don’t, things aren’t as extreme anymore,
but there’s no denying that that feeling is always there - and it’s something I can’t explain.
I just wish it would go away.
I thought that when I grow up things would be different, I just thought…it would be different
You look at other people and they always look so happy,
You know you observe people’s lives whether that be in person, social media, tv,
and it seems to come to them so naturally
And I know all of that stuff can be misleading,
but when you feel so down and empty,
you can’t help but think, why can’t that be me?
Cos you want that, you so desperately want that,
and you feel like you’re doing the right things,
you know you’re having fun with your friends, having late night chats, dancing to silly music
and in the moment it feels great, you’re in a good happy place,
but that happy feeling always goes away.
and the sad emptiness kicks in again.
Do I sound crazy? god I think I sound so crazy.
These thoughts tend to hit me late at night,
And that’s when I think,
sometimes I’m so overcome with emotion that I just cry,
and I don’t know why,
makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me,
It’s so sad to admit, that it becomes easier to lie and act like everything’s fine.
So that’s what I say, I say I’m fine.
Events from my past still affect my adult life
I lash out, feel down out of nowhere and I can’t explain why?
It just gets so messed up in my head sometimes
and there’s no way to escape it, not when it’s all happening in your mind.
and so you just beat yourself up and beat yourself up til you feel so small
you know, you can be in a room full of people and still feel so alone.
I can put on an act and pretend that I’m tough
but deep down I never quite feel brave enough
Sometimes I feel so small in this big big world
That I feel like all I have are my words to keep my sense of control
These thoughts, they’re like my therapy you know,
a place where I can release and pour out my soul
In hopes that it’ll make me feel better, and somehow fill this empty hole.
One day I’ll look back and it won’t hurt anymore,
I’ll be able to look back at what happened and not feel so sore
Cos there’s no cure
No way to fix it, it’s just something you learn to live with,
But it’ll get easier, of that I’m sure.
You are not the demons in your mind,
You are not the hurt and pain, you feel on the inside,
You’re stronger than that, you can fight.
Understand that it’s all temporary and that these things take time.
So chin up, breathe, allow yourself to feel everything there is to feel,
ClickforTaz
It’s not that I don’t want to be happy it’s that despite my best efforts I can’t bring myself to be happy.
I feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed,
Why did I have to be this way.
I have a great family, amazing friends, good academic results - on paper everything is okay
Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey
It’s like there’s a constant burden on you pulling you to the ground
and however hard you try you can’t bring yourself out
You can’t bring yourself to care - about anything - not me, not him, not her
Living has become the constant nightmare.
And it’s just not fair.
Society will tell you to try yoga, go for a walk, listen to meditation.
I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or medication.
It’s a disease that affects every aspect of my life, - my relationships, my work, my education.
And even to this day despite my best efforts to explain -
I am met with blind hesitation.
They ask me why are you always sad, I tell them I don’t know…I don’t know
What I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling like absolutely shit - and that that’s become my norm.
I’m afraid of the outside world, afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something that I cannot control
Where’s the fairness of it all?
Do you think I enjoy to watch myself fall?
Into this hole of self hate, shame and loathe
So I just hide and put up a wall
That’s so high, you will never see my pain or any of my flaws - I create this character and he is perfect, he’s invincible.
And so I live these two different lives, one for the public and one just for me late at night
Cos that’s easier than admitting you have a problem - and that’s the problem.
The stigma is real people
And it will not go away until we realise that mental health IS a big deal.
It’s a hidden disease thats affecting so many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries
It’s the kid that never speaks or the guy who’s always tired,
The lady who’s too emotional or that man who just got fired
cos he was absent a lot - he couldn’t get out of bed due to his mental health
but do you think any of his colleagues knew that - course not.
Depression is the hell inside of me and it eats me up daily.
I feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed,
Why did I have to be this way.
I have a great family, amazing friends, good academic results - on paper everything is okay
Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey
It’s like there’s a constant burden on you pulling you to the ground
and however hard you try you can’t bring yourself out
You can’t bring yourself to care - about anything - not me, not him, not her
Living has become the constant nightmare.
And it’s just not fair.
Society will tell you to try yoga, go for a walk, listen to meditation.
I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or medication.
It’s a disease that affects every aspect of my life, - my relationships, my work, my education.
And even to this day despite my best efforts to explain -
I am met with blind hesitation.
They ask me why are you always sad, I tell them I don’t know…I don’t know
What I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling like absolutely shit - and that that’s become my norm.
I’m afraid of the outside world, afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something that I cannot control
Where’s the fairness of it all?
Do you think I enjoy to watch myself fall?
Into this hole of self hate, shame and loathe
So I just hide and put up a wall
That’s so high, you will never see my pain or any of my flaws - I create this character and he is perfect, he’s invincible.
And so I live these two different lives, one for the public and one just for me late at night
Cos that’s easier than admitting you have a problem - and that’s the problem.
The stigma is real people
And it will not go away until we realise that mental health IS a big deal.
It’s a hidden disease thats affecting so many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries
It’s the kid that never speaks or the guy who’s always tired,
The lady who’s too emotional or that man who just got fired
cos he was absent a lot - he couldn’t get out of bed due to his mental health
but do you think any of his colleagues knew that - course not.
Depression is the hell inside of me and it eats me up daily.
I am still here.
Althou i never asked for it, im still here.
I've tried multiple times since the last time i wrote something here to not be here... all of them failed.
either thru dumb luck or pure understanding that even tho I'm ready to go, Others won't be. But at the end of the day I'm still looking for a way to leave others behind. Just in a way that others won't blame them self.
I still think that the time that is spent on me is a waste. i still think that i should have died on that table in the hospital. For some reason i despise the fact that i'm alive. I feel like I'm a burden for everyone else. People don't know what I'm really like. Wearing this mask of self-confidence and happiness is dragging me down. But... At the end of the day... I still wear it. Even in front of my brother. I just want this suffering to end.
I can't remember what it feels to really feel happy. Everyday it feels like i'm going thru with emotions, hoping that no-one would ask how i really am. When people ask that I say its ok or try to avoid the topic, cause I know that they would behave differently in front of me and a completely different way behind me. I drown myself in work. avoid people. The only times I can be me is the bus ride home which is about an hour and at night when my brother is sleeping.
I cry often by myself. When i know that no-one would know. I can't stop thinking about suicide or death. It feels like its the only thing that i deserve. Being alive hurts me daily, but i can't kill myself right? Not because its selfish, but because it would hurt others. People care about themselves, about their pain. What about me? What about my pain? What about the thoughts I have everyday? It feels like everything i do is a disappointment to everybody else. It is hard to explain what i feel daily but its curb-stomping me.
Even thru some days its not that bad. It's something that i know will come back the next day or the day after that. I've heard that the cure for me is self-love or positive thinking. It's not that easy. HOW can i love myself when i hate everything about me?
I can't talk about these thing with anyone. it would make me seem crazy or they will stop talking to me. making me stay in this same place again. So, I choose to keep my mouth shut and just suffer in silence.
It's not that i don't wanna be happy. I just can't bring myself to care... I often think why? why me? why am i like this? why can't i be like everybody else? Why? WHY?! That's why i have two of myself. One for myself. and another for everyone else. So they won't see me they way I really am. And I get tired of fighting it, it’s exhausting trying to be positive all the time. It’s like fighting an endless battle that’s becoming harder and harder, and to say I can deal with it, is a lie. Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough. It’s like no matter how much I push myself, how much I do the right things. My mind is always going to win, and I fear that one day I’m going succumb to it and I’m going to give in. I’m going to surrender to the pain and just exist.
I've tried multiple times since the last time i wrote something here to not be here... all of them failed.
either thru dumb luck or pure understanding that even tho I'm ready to go, Others won't be. But at the end of the day I'm still looking for a way to leave others behind. Just in a way that others won't blame them self.
I still think that the time that is spent on me is a waste. i still think that i should have died on that table in the hospital. For some reason i despise the fact that i'm alive. I feel like I'm a burden for everyone else. People don't know what I'm really like. Wearing this mask of self-confidence and happiness is dragging me down. But... At the end of the day... I still wear it. Even in front of my brother. I just want this suffering to end.
I can't remember what it feels to really feel happy. Everyday it feels like i'm going thru with emotions, hoping that no-one would ask how i really am. When people ask that I say its ok or try to avoid the topic, cause I know that they would behave differently in front of me and a completely different way behind me. I drown myself in work. avoid people. The only times I can be me is the bus ride home which is about an hour and at night when my brother is sleeping.
I cry often by myself. When i know that no-one would know. I can't stop thinking about suicide or death. It feels like its the only thing that i deserve. Being alive hurts me daily, but i can't kill myself right? Not because its selfish, but because it would hurt others. People care about themselves, about their pain. What about me? What about my pain? What about the thoughts I have everyday? It feels like everything i do is a disappointment to everybody else. It is hard to explain what i feel daily but its curb-stomping me.
Even thru some days its not that bad. It's something that i know will come back the next day or the day after that. I've heard that the cure for me is self-love or positive thinking. It's not that easy. HOW can i love myself when i hate everything about me?
I can't talk about these thing with anyone. it would make me seem crazy or they will stop talking to me. making me stay in this same place again. So, I choose to keep my mouth shut and just suffer in silence.
It's not that i don't wanna be happy. I just can't bring myself to care... I often think why? why me? why am i like this? why can't i be like everybody else? Why? WHY?! That's why i have two of myself. One for myself. and another for everyone else. So they won't see me they way I really am. And I get tired of fighting it, it’s exhausting trying to be positive all the time. It’s like fighting an endless battle that’s becoming harder and harder, and to say I can deal with it, is a lie. Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough. It’s like no matter how much I push myself, how much I do the right things. My mind is always going to win, and I fear that one day I’m going succumb to it and I’m going to give in. I’m going to surrender to the pain and just exist.
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