From the bottom of my heart

Hey, so,

A new day, a new start All fucked up by my drunk-ass brother who seems to be hating me, 

Well i'll never know, but the things he said hurt me alot ,actully made me cry ... after being alone for some time i called my dad (AT 2AM IN THE FUCKING MORNING ,WHICH I NEVER DO) ask if i ever was unthankfull or something like that, He said ''No, You've been the best son you can be.'' 

The feeling of father saying that... it made me cry even more, because i felt like i wasn't a fail in the eyes of my father, even thou i know that my father will prolly never see this but,

Thank you dad, For being the best dad i can ever dream about.... thanks! 

I can't ever write , i'm crying like a little girl...

but knowing that my own brother hates me , just... it just hurts so much!!! 

I called mom too. She didnt pick up... but i wanna say that i'm sorry for everything i have ever done to you, IM SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME... Give me this, please! i maybe drunk but im speaking from the bottom of my heart. Im sorry for all the bad things i've ever done or said to you! 

IM SORRY FOR NOT BEING THE BEST SON YOU WANTED MOM!!! I KNOW I LET YOU DOWN! I'M SORRY!!

MOM,DAD, I MISS YOU! 

I TRIED MY BEST, BUT I CAN'T DO IT, IM JUST TO WEAK!

IM SORRY !

Bye!

Its been awhile

         So, Hey...

Its hard to come back and write,but ... im upset (suprise,suprise) ...at the moment I'm near Tartu where i suppose live . well actually near Roiu which is near Tartu... im visiting my best friend's girlfriend. So,

Today , We (Me,Tan and Liisu ( the girlfriend)) made sauna, and seeing how happy they are made me think about the things that im missing in my life... Its alot... But im glad that im single ... Because then i cant hurt people like i did in the past. Just don't want anything like that on my heart...  Yet i know people that are even shittier men then me and they have girlfriends... then i just lose it... thinking that maybe im just such a bad person that everybody who meets  just automaticly starts hating me... well maybe its me but its seems to be so... On so many occasions i feel like just take a gun and fucking do it  

   But then Tannu and Rait pop into my mind... and start Fucking up the plans, Maybe it will be for the best... maybe everything will chance after im gone, maybe that's my destiny... Maybe that's the thing i need , what the people need...

As days pass by i feel more and more alone,leftout,useless,unneeded... As my mind gets more hostile against myself, thing get worse and worse... 

Ou yeah and today when others were washing up i was in the sauna ,alone and i thought about the reasons i drink alot, Here's the result:

Maybe the cause of my ideas about me being a shity man ,makes me wanna be a shity man ,deep inside. 

It's hard to put it in words but in my mind everything is diffrent and complex, as my mental doctor( i dont actually know what's the meaning in english but i hope you'll know what i mean) said :

''You have a golden heart, but it's filled with hate and anger. You're a good person ,but things just don't out for you.''

She asked my why i wanna kill myself. after 5 sessions as i was leaving and She stopped me and said 

''Robi,I know its been hard for you, but Stay strong, don't give up, I belive in you.'' 

At that moment i froze , and a single tear fell from my eye... (just so you know as your reading this know that people who read this thing im writing, know this story.)

Okei I got some of the pain out there so i feel better but things will not change for me ...

Bye

Alcohol has a problem with me?

Hey,

So, Yet again im drinking... using the chance to access the internet ... Dont ask... What to do with my life? Maybe its better for me to do stuff that dosent drag people with me...

Thumbs up for Tan Säälik and Rait Mitt for making me feel useful...
Thx, Really i mean it... Atleast i have someone that thinks about me...
And i didnt forget you Mirell, i know when something happens to me , it will affect you... but yeah...
I can pretict people messaging me:'' I Care about you, i dont know that i would do if i did have you ,ETC'' But to you call me ... for no reason at all just ask me how am i or if im okey ... nope... Im like a tiny ant on mars  seen through a toilet paper roll... YOU CANT SEE ME!
 simpel as that...

AND just so you know i take things VERY Fucking seriously , so watch what you say ... Bitch!

Bye im out!