There are these hints in life.

Hey!

lately I've been trying to get ''help'' for my ''issues''. Turns out that finding the right person for opening up like that takes a whole lotta time...
Recently I've noticed a fear in me that I've never felt before.
Even tho, the possiblity for that fear coming a reality freaks me the fuck out. I fear that something would happened to  my baby-girl. I fear for her life. Even tho I feel like I'm not the father figure that should be presented to a child. I'm afraid that even tho i feel broken and dead everyday, that losing my baby-girl would break me. with my medical history i wouldn't be suprised. I'm terrified.

It hasn't been a year and this baby-girl has broken me. found a way in. a way i've been hiding for so long. She just walked right in and broke me. Her action and the way i see Her see the world, just fills me with joy. It's like everything she sees is magical. the cracks in the wall, the loose thread in the tapestry, the one lonely sock on the floor... She finds joy, happiness and fun everywhere... I don't... not anymore...The magic that She sees is not there for me anymore.... But She has started to open my eyes to the same magic that She sees.
There are these moments thru out the week that give me hope, piece by piece. But then I'm torn down by people way above my pay grade... I'm  filled with hatred and pain and I've started to fear that i might break. Break on the people that count on me the most.

for the first time in 4 years i opened up. I fear that i was a mistake.I have a playlist i listen to while i'm either going to work or at work or leaving. A playlist i haven't shown anyone. For your knowledge its not some sum41 Emo compilation or something like that. Its a list of things/speeches/talks/TVmoments that have a impact with me. with my soul. things that actually make me feel anything. No response, but i've been hiding this side of me for quite alot of years now, so it kinda makes sense that realizing that someone who you've been with for years turns out to be suicidal or not so sure about the future...

I fear i've said too much already, so i better stop before its too late.
Cya... until the next time..