I've heard a lot that it's a sickness for someone to ask for death. How come? Don't we all wish for something?wealth, happiness, overall things to fill the void in us? Then how come my wish is so bad?I just don't care anymore. I should be happy, filled with bliss. But for some reason I can't find a reason to be happy... We thrive to achieve happiness and wealth (what ever floats your boat i guess) , but when i ask for death,I'm told that i need help and that i should be medicated. Why is that? Is that better, when i need medication to be ''OKAY'' for you. When I'm heavily medicated, I'm okay and productive? Socially acceptable? Someone who can be called a friend? Someone who others aren't afraid to talk to?
How can other people he happy? I don't get it. Can't they see what's going on around them? Hatred, Suffering and pain everywhere you look. How can they not see the pain? How can't they feel it? There is so much pain on this planet.Do they just ignore it and move on? Or they notice it and snuff it out? Or is my mind just fucked up enough to feel the pain around me?
I'm trying to make sense of all these things,but each day things get more and more complicated. New things pop up, i see things that make me assess my opinions on things. all i know is that Death is the only way, in a way. I know that if i kill myself than i'd never see what happens after my death, but also do i wanna see what time brings me? I'm sure that I don't even know what happiness feels like. The thing that brings me down the most is that I wanna talk to others about my thoughts, but talking about them doesn't change anything. The problems still remain and the sadness will not vanish. It's still there. I might feel better for a minute or two but as soon as I'm alone again. It starts. And I Can't do anything about it.
There are a lot of things that I can't explain, In my head. In this blog/diary I try to put it in writing. Maybe one day someone finds it and it will at least help a bit. Cause I'm afraid that it's already too late for me. There are no happy endings. It's all just pain and suffering and we carry on, making a face that it's all okay and we are fine.
Why can't I just die?
Do i...
I've been thinking, Which is worse? Me ending my suffering or Me hurting people by being alive?
You might be wondering how could i think like that, but you can't see what i experience, right? I see everyday how others feel uneasy around me. People think that they care about me and that they want to help me. But they can't or as soon as they realize what is going on with me, They pull back and avoid me. As soon as i speak to someone about my thoughts and emotions, they understand that i can't be helped and/or they don't need that kind of negativity in their life. When there is someone who is worried about me now, i just say i'm okay and that its just a bad day. What they don't know is that everyday is a bad day. and then there are the days in hell from time-to-time. Times where everything is darker and i can't control it. it's either shit or a shitstorm pretty much. But... i quess this is the path i've been on for a while now. and i'm not sure if there is another path for me anymore.
I had someone tell me that it's mildly weird how much love i give out, but how little i give myself. i've been thinking about it for a while now and it feels like it might be true. I care about others than i do myself. Gladly giving a way my body, my organs, my money and my time for the short feeling of being useful. It dies quite fast, This feeling. And yet, it's a small victory dont you think? Sometimes i think that i've pretty much pushed everyone away from myself to avoid hurting them.
If i'd die tommorrow, would it matter in the long run?You'd cry for me? I'd be honored! The memory of me would die out quite fast. No one would care if they can't be with me or miss being with me. Sure, they would be sad for a bit, but that will be pass. I've been away for so long that im pretty sure that most of the people who know me, don't even remember anymore what it feels like to ''hang out'' with me. I'm not sure that I even do. They say that its wrong to kill yourself and that you have a lot to live for. I can't find myself seeing it like that.
If there is a God, Does it care? about ''His'' creations? The fruit of ''his'' mind or thoughts? Humans suffer, while they speak of caring for yourself and others around you. Humans prepare for war while talking of peace. How come is this the best that the humankind can do? The rich lie, steal and legally mess with hard working people and get away with it. Humans don't care for eachother. We only care about the concept of wealth. We are greedy, sad, self-centered beings and incapable of understanding each other. Has ''He'' abandoned us? Saw us as a failed experiment and discarded us? Saw that most of the peoples free-will will cause the people to now belive in ''Him'', and didn't wanna end us but left us just for the will of the cosmos? I can't belive in something that i can't see nor feel. Until then I will not care for the cause of ''God''. What if the paradise the they say we would arrive at after death is just like this? What if we have already lived our lives and this is the paradise that we speak of? Or... What if this is the hell that they scare us into being obedient? What if this is the afterlife we all endure?
There are no happy endings. Strangers kill each other without a real reason. This is war. The desire to have peace, gives rise to war. How can we keep on saying that we are the Smartest species or the Prime survivor of evolution? our track record is not that great, how can we say things like that? Seek vengeance in the name of justice? and when that happens, this justice will give way to more hatred.
The humankind is destined to suffer and die out on this planet.
You might be wondering how could i think like that, but you can't see what i experience, right? I see everyday how others feel uneasy around me. People think that they care about me and that they want to help me. But they can't or as soon as they realize what is going on with me, They pull back and avoid me. As soon as i speak to someone about my thoughts and emotions, they understand that i can't be helped and/or they don't need that kind of negativity in their life. When there is someone who is worried about me now, i just say i'm okay and that its just a bad day. What they don't know is that everyday is a bad day. and then there are the days in hell from time-to-time. Times where everything is darker and i can't control it. it's either shit or a shitstorm pretty much. But... i quess this is the path i've been on for a while now. and i'm not sure if there is another path for me anymore.
I had someone tell me that it's mildly weird how much love i give out, but how little i give myself. i've been thinking about it for a while now and it feels like it might be true. I care about others than i do myself. Gladly giving a way my body, my organs, my money and my time for the short feeling of being useful. It dies quite fast, This feeling. And yet, it's a small victory dont you think? Sometimes i think that i've pretty much pushed everyone away from myself to avoid hurting them.
If i'd die tommorrow, would it matter in the long run?You'd cry for me? I'd be honored! The memory of me would die out quite fast. No one would care if they can't be with me or miss being with me. Sure, they would be sad for a bit, but that will be pass. I've been away for so long that im pretty sure that most of the people who know me, don't even remember anymore what it feels like to ''hang out'' with me. I'm not sure that I even do. They say that its wrong to kill yourself and that you have a lot to live for. I can't find myself seeing it like that.
If there is a God, Does it care? about ''His'' creations? The fruit of ''his'' mind or thoughts? Humans suffer, while they speak of caring for yourself and others around you. Humans prepare for war while talking of peace. How come is this the best that the humankind can do? The rich lie, steal and legally mess with hard working people and get away with it. Humans don't care for eachother. We only care about the concept of wealth. We are greedy, sad, self-centered beings and incapable of understanding each other. Has ''He'' abandoned us? Saw us as a failed experiment and discarded us? Saw that most of the peoples free-will will cause the people to now belive in ''Him'', and didn't wanna end us but left us just for the will of the cosmos? I can't belive in something that i can't see nor feel. Until then I will not care for the cause of ''God''. What if the paradise the they say we would arrive at after death is just like this? What if we have already lived our lives and this is the paradise that we speak of? Or... What if this is the hell that they scare us into being obedient? What if this is the afterlife we all endure?
There are no happy endings. Strangers kill each other without a real reason. This is war. The desire to have peace, gives rise to war. How can we keep on saying that we are the Smartest species or the Prime survivor of evolution? our track record is not that great, how can we say things like that? Seek vengeance in the name of justice? and when that happens, this justice will give way to more hatred.
The humankind is destined to suffer and die out on this planet.
304-328-4993
Not sure, but it feels like im losing my mind. With my thoughts worsening, My dreams becoming bloodier and more hectic. How can i be sure, right? Well im clearly not normal. On the other hand, What is normal? It's weird that to be ''normal'' for others i need to take pills. Those pills make me feel weird and sloppy, but at the same time. maybe that's what ''normal'' is. Is it wrong to be unsure about my feelings about God, Life and the daily struggle? We suffer daily, but for some reason we keep going. We push aside the thought that everyday we try to postpone death, But we all also know that this will not last forever. That someday a moment will arise, where you realize that this is it. The end. My final moments. Will we be proud of ourselves after we die? Look back and feel like we have done everything right? Or will we see the mistakes we made and how it all could have gone in a totally different path?
Why is it so bad, That i can't stop thinking about death? When I tell people about my thoughts and my lust for death. They usually say that: Don't think like that. You shouldn't be thinking like that.
Who told you that its wrong? What if im right? What if thru my death alot will change? What if im the change people need.
Love leads to hatred. It's a endless cycle. We talk of peace and prosperity but we build for war and suffering. The motivation of money is too strong for people to change. As long as there are people, there will be war and conflict. I think that the problem about it is that people don't know pain. We all feel the same pain when we lose someone close to us.
It angers me that me wanting to die out of my own decisions is so wrong, but sending people to kill and be killed is being praised and awarded medals. Those people that decide that we are at war, will be safe and sound, so will the people close to them. but those who go off fighting, Die. Those who make it back are traumatised, crippled, Damaged beyond body and mind. And that is fine? Praised? And me wanting to die is such a bad thing.
with days passing i find it harder and harder to find a cause. I heard a smart guy tell me once that: Work on things when the end result is more or equal to the struggle, otherwise you are losing time and money. Well im having problems seeing what would the end game benefit be for me? A life of regret and sadness? Unhappy memories and hatred? Self-doubt and missed chances.
I'ts hard to see thru the darkness.
Why is it so bad, That i can't stop thinking about death? When I tell people about my thoughts and my lust for death. They usually say that: Don't think like that. You shouldn't be thinking like that.
Who told you that its wrong? What if im right? What if thru my death alot will change? What if im the change people need.
Love leads to hatred. It's a endless cycle. We talk of peace and prosperity but we build for war and suffering. The motivation of money is too strong for people to change. As long as there are people, there will be war and conflict. I think that the problem about it is that people don't know pain. We all feel the same pain when we lose someone close to us.
It angers me that me wanting to die out of my own decisions is so wrong, but sending people to kill and be killed is being praised and awarded medals. Those people that decide that we are at war, will be safe and sound, so will the people close to them. but those who go off fighting, Die. Those who make it back are traumatised, crippled, Damaged beyond body and mind. And that is fine? Praised? And me wanting to die is such a bad thing.
with days passing i find it harder and harder to find a cause. I heard a smart guy tell me once that: Work on things when the end result is more or equal to the struggle, otherwise you are losing time and money. Well im having problems seeing what would the end game benefit be for me? A life of regret and sadness? Unhappy memories and hatred? Self-doubt and missed chances.
I'ts hard to see thru the darkness.
Where is it written down?
Lately, I've been thinking. Looking for a reason, why should i live. No luck at the moment, althou figured something out. It's not written down that, I HAVE to live. nowhere. There is only this social pressure to keep on goin', cause killing yourself is socially frowned on. The people closed to you get hurt for a while. but nobody sees the hurt you're in daily. So, What do you do in this case? Crack under the pressure and end it? or suffer in silence and become disconnected from everybody else. Not being able to care about others nor yourself. Hating waking up every morning.
I got in trouble for the daily mask i wear to work and now i'm thinking that i shouldn't wear it anymore. Not sure how they feel about the real me. They don't know the dark side of the mask. I don't even like it, but i can't avoid the dark side. I can only make it so others don't see this side of me.
My thoughts are getting worse and worse everyday. I'm really struggling with the idea of living. My dreams are faint and pointless. I've lost all enjoyment of life. Things that excited me before, don't offer any satisfaction nor glimpses of hope. There seems to no other escape then death. BUT... as i said before, I can't do it. It would be unfair and cruel for the people around me. Some might blame each other or themself or try to find a reason. There is no bigger reason than i just don't feel like i should be here, i have no purpose, no satisfaction, there is no happiness for me. So, i continue to suffer in silence and hopefully nobody can see thru it all.
My nightmares are getting worse and worse. They are violent, bloody and for the wrong reasons make me feel better. They shouldn't. Killing others in your dreams shouldn't make you feel better. Having blood on your hands in your dreams shouldn't make you feel better. They are so real, i fear that one day, something will push me over and i wont be able to make a difference between my dreams or real life. I don't wanna hurt people, but the hurt and anger in me grows like a bamboo stick.
*Real change doesn't come from laws or agreements*
Obsessed with work, obsessed with family, obsessed with ourselves. A worthless compulsion that enslaves us and limits our capabilities, leading us to fear what we don't understand.
I got in trouble for the daily mask i wear to work and now i'm thinking that i shouldn't wear it anymore. Not sure how they feel about the real me. They don't know the dark side of the mask. I don't even like it, but i can't avoid the dark side. I can only make it so others don't see this side of me.
My thoughts are getting worse and worse everyday. I'm really struggling with the idea of living. My dreams are faint and pointless. I've lost all enjoyment of life. Things that excited me before, don't offer any satisfaction nor glimpses of hope. There seems to no other escape then death. BUT... as i said before, I can't do it. It would be unfair and cruel for the people around me. Some might blame each other or themself or try to find a reason. There is no bigger reason than i just don't feel like i should be here, i have no purpose, no satisfaction, there is no happiness for me. So, i continue to suffer in silence and hopefully nobody can see thru it all.
My nightmares are getting worse and worse. They are violent, bloody and for the wrong reasons make me feel better. They shouldn't. Killing others in your dreams shouldn't make you feel better. Having blood on your hands in your dreams shouldn't make you feel better. They are so real, i fear that one day, something will push me over and i wont be able to make a difference between my dreams or real life. I don't wanna hurt people, but the hurt and anger in me grows like a bamboo stick.
*Real change doesn't come from laws or agreements*
Obsessed with work, obsessed with family, obsessed with ourselves. A worthless compulsion that enslaves us and limits our capabilities, leading us to fear what we don't understand.
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