Dear Best friend.

 Dear Best Friend,

I hope you're good
Genuinely good
Since you've been gone it has not been easy
But I want to say thank you
Even though it broke me into a million pieces when you left
I want to say...
Thank you
Even though I miss you everyday
I want to say thank you
Thank you for inspiring me
Inspiring me to face my fears
You make me want to be better
You make me want to work on myself
And even though, doing this without you By my side is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do
I'm doing it

And I wish you could see me
I wish you could be here
To see me transform into this new person,but you're not here
I just hope you're proud of me
I'm not mad, I'm just...in pain
But what's the sun without a little rain, right?

I once told you I could conquer the world with just one hand
As long you were holding the other
Now all I have is the though of you holding it
But I will still conquer the world
No matter where you are
I will stay strong and stand tall
Because I know you wouldn't want to see me fall
Whatever success I'm celebrating I will always think of you first
Because you're my biggest inspiration
And I want you to be proud of me
I just want you to be proud of me...

 But I want you to keep going too
I want you to win even though I can't be there to celebrate with you
I want you to love yourself
I want you to be yourself
Be the light you want to see in the world
You have everything that you need inside of you
But you know that, I told you more then enough, but I want you to always remember
I hope you remember my words when you feel alone
I hope you remember all the words I told you when you were down on yourself
And I hope you'll find the strength to pick yourself back up if you ever fall
I know you can
I know you will

After loosing a friend who you'd say these words... How would you feel? It never fucking stops... Im just unable to hold on to a friend... Why the fuck am i so fucking lonely... What the fuck did i do wrong? Where did i mess up... FUUUUUUUUCK. There are moments where i wish that the cancer would have ended things...

As long as i've remembered.

 For as long as I can remember, I've always hated myself. 
I had this group of people... A group of people that didn't know me, my life nor the situation that my life is in. But I have these moments of realization where I can feel the damage I'm doing to others. 

I know I should be going out and do stuff, but... I feel like I'm disconnected for the rest of the world. I mean, i get it. I'm a disease. A sickness to all that get close to Me. Even tho when I'm talking to people that I see as friends. I feel bad. Its like I'm pushing my whole being onto them. I  strongly feel like solitude is the way for Me. 

It feels a bit like I'm waiting for someone to save me... But I know that will not happen. I don't wanna cut people out of my life, but in case I finally break my promise to not kill myself, I just hope that people get me. 

I can't be angry towards people that don't wanna even know me. I don't wanna even know me. For once i  wish that people would have that exclusive feeling of living without being able to live. i'm not looking for happy thoughts or get well quick wishes. but accept me. At this point, feel like im just ''That extra population'' that is counted under the radar or whatever.

I just don't wanna be a burden anymore. Half-living isn't the way forward from me. Im just sorry to all the people that knew me...

Like in joker:I wish my death makes more sense then my life. 

Reality hits hard.

 I'll tell you what kind of men I really am!

I have no strength, but I want it all. I have no knowledge, but all I do is dream. There's nothing I can do, but I struggle in vain like an idiot! I... I hate... I hate myself! All I do, is talk a big game and make myself sound like a big shot, when I can't do anything! I never do anything, yet I complain with the best of them like it's my job or something. Who the hell do I think I am!? I'm a fraud, it's amazing that I can live like this and not feel ashamed! You know I'm right!? I'm an empty shell, there's nothing inside me at all! I know there isn't, guess that's obvious, anybody could see that. Before I came to this place... Before I got into the situation that led me to all of you, do you have any idea what I did with my life? - I did nothing that's what. I've never done a single thing worth mentioning, I had all that time and freedom but I just squandered it away on nothing. I could have done anything with my life, but I never did a damn thing! And what you're looking at now is the result - this cowardly, weak, worthless crybaby. All of my powerlessness, all of my incompetence, is the product of my rotten and pathetic character. Wanting to accomplish something important when I've never done anything to earn it, goes way beyond the limitations of arrogance! The cost of my lifetime of laziness and all the wasteful habits I forged along the way, just ends up killing both you and me! That's right, I have no character, even when I thought I could go in living here, nothing changed about who I really am. The old man back at the manor saw that part of me perfectly, didn't he? I wasn't trying to get stronger or trying to make things better, that was a lie, I was just striking an obvious pose to justify myself, to say that I was trying my best, that it wasn't like I wasn't doing anything, to be able to appear to be doing everything I could! I wanted to say "I couldn't help it", to be told that "It couldn't be helped". I was only pretending to push my body to the limit so that all of those excuses would be possible! Even when I had you help me study, I was just posing to cover up how embarrassed I felt to be such an incompetent idiot! Deep down inside at the core of my heart, I'm just a small, cowardly, filthy piece of trash, who's always worried about how others see me, how they'll accept or judge me. And nothing... Nothing about me has changed! I've known it since the very beginning, everything that was happening was my fault... I'm the lowest of the low. I absolutely hate myself.

There are these hints in life.

Hey!

lately I've been trying to get ''help'' for my ''issues''. Turns out that finding the right person for opening up like that takes a whole lotta time...
Recently I've noticed a fear in me that I've never felt before.
Even tho, the possiblity for that fear coming a reality freaks me the fuck out. I fear that something would happened to  my baby-girl. I fear for her life. Even tho I feel like I'm not the father figure that should be presented to a child. I'm afraid that even tho i feel broken and dead everyday, that losing my baby-girl would break me. with my medical history i wouldn't be suprised. I'm terrified.

It hasn't been a year and this baby-girl has broken me. found a way in. a way i've been hiding for so long. She just walked right in and broke me. Her action and the way i see Her see the world, just fills me with joy. It's like everything she sees is magical. the cracks in the wall, the loose thread in the tapestry, the one lonely sock on the floor... She finds joy, happiness and fun everywhere... I don't... not anymore...The magic that She sees is not there for me anymore.... But She has started to open my eyes to the same magic that She sees.
There are these moments thru out the week that give me hope, piece by piece. But then I'm torn down by people way above my pay grade... I'm  filled with hatred and pain and I've started to fear that i might break. Break on the people that count on me the most.

for the first time in 4 years i opened up. I fear that i was a mistake.I have a playlist i listen to while i'm either going to work or at work or leaving. A playlist i haven't shown anyone. For your knowledge its not some sum41 Emo compilation or something like that. Its a list of things/speeches/talks/TVmoments that have a impact with me. with my soul. things that actually make me feel anything. No response, but i've been hiding this side of me for quite alot of years now, so it kinda makes sense that realizing that someone who you've been with for years turns out to be suicidal or not so sure about the future...

I fear i've said too much already, so i better stop before its too late.
Cya... until the next time..

These thoughts... These moments...

Hey!

It gets harder and harder to hold myself back... It seems like its never going to end. Maybe i can help it along sometime soon. Its been a rough few weeks... im a nobody, a freak of nature.  I can't go and ask for help anymore. They wouldn't understand.

I'm scared. Scared that my little girl will grow up without me. Scared about what will my SO say about me after me. This life is not made for me. She is unhappy with me and i can't blame Her. It's me. I'm the problem. They don't realize it yet but they will. Life without me is better. Choosing between two evils, You should always choose the lesser evil. The lesser evil being me being dead. I can't hurt anyone anymore then. I feel like im going out on a blaze of glory. Do the things that the system can't. The system doesn't care for whats right or wrong. They look for someone to blame, unless its the system of course, then its all fine.

My little girl... my spark... my hope...
I can already see who She will hate me. I can't blame Her either. After all i'm the problem.
It's better if i just end it.

Going on 25 soon.

Hey,

it's been a while again, but as they say, i'm hanging on.
My falling deeper and deeper into my thoughts. The negative ones. The full numbness is tearing me apart. Problems at home and work. having a hard time distinguishing between my job and family time. My thoughts have been getting tougher and tougher. but at the same time the numbness is making it a bit easier as i can't find the motivation to care. I'm always down low, except of course when i have to wear my ''happy'' mask.

It feels like its never getting better, just problems on problems and its dragging me down. Not sure what to do about it... feels like there isn't anything to do. i'm writing it down to get it off my chest. I'm avoiding talking to people face-to-face, just to not see their attitude towards me. Not sure if anyone ever cares. Is this what adulthood is like? just constant numbness and the desire to die? I can't remember the last time I really felt happiness.

Even after all this...

Thing will never change.

I will be trapped in my personal hell without a door to get out. Each day it gets worse and worse.
Each day I go to work, I think of just stepping infront of a bus or a car. The pain never ends. How can one go on like this? My perfect mask is starting to crack. People have started seeing the real me. I guess its time to quit and move on. Out of here. I don't wanna die, but I don't wanna live anymore either. I'm drowning.

some have asked if im okay. i say im fine but... I'm not. How can i explain to someone the feelings, the thoughts?  What would it change? Nothing! If I tell people all that changes is the way they look at me. i've seen those looks too much. and its not something i thrive for.

So here i sit. Hating life. fearing death. Alone because I can't tell people how i feel. Hating other people.

Everyday the same shit, just a different date.

If no more posts appear. I hope they remember me. but they probably wont.

I'm not sure who I am anymore.

Im not sure if My view of the world is changing really fast or I don't know myself anymore.
Everything feels so strange...

''Healing'' Nayo jones

I had a therapist tell me once, it was ironic how much love I gave out cuz I didn’t give much to myself. She laughed, like self-love was a sick joke. I chuckled and cried at home. I had someone tell me once, I could not love anyone else until I learn to love myself. This time, I got to laugh. This time, The sick joke was mine was me. Might as well wait forever. I remember hating myself at the age of seven, journals filled to the brim with criticisms. By eight, I had enough pages to stitch them into wings to fly close enough to the sun to see my tears turn to steam, felt the wax burn on my shoulders and mold into thick skin. I was nine when I wanted to die. Thirteen when I finally found a solution, figured if I cut my legs enough gravity would let me go. When it didn’t, I tied a pillowcase around my neck, twisting like the rope swings I knew so well from childhood heard my heartbeat pound in my ears like a warning drum, then fade. I’d almost convinced myself I’d done it. When I started writing, I smeared my blood on every page to remind myself that everything beautiful has a consequence. I’d hoped to stall the clotting long enough to give myself to the craft and let myself go. I have died so many times. So when I told you that loving you almost makes life worth it I was not joking. When I tell you That loving you almost makes me forget how much I hate myself, It is not poetry. Loving you is taking all of the love I could never give myself and putting it to good use. It is reminding myself that if someone can love a dying thing this way, can hold the Lazarus of my body and give thanks for the way it holds back - if someone can kiss the scars administer the pills absorb the bad days and wake up smiling next to me, then I can try to breathe again. Because self-love does not always come first. Or second. Or even ever. But your love be the guardrail on the edge be the drawers that hide all the sharp things be the body that carries my collapsed frame into bed be the flowers you bought; because even though they are dying too they still dance. Love will not heal me, will not wipe my slate of my body clean - I will always be a woman of wounds of rope-mark neck and melted skin. Love will not heal me; but it will hold my hand if I ever heal myself and maybe teach me a joke that I can stay alive long enough to laugh at. I love you enough to want to love myself too.

a poem

explaining my depression to my mother
a conversation

mom
my depression is a shapeshifter
one day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear
the next it's the bear
on those days i play dead until the bear leaves me alone
i call the bad days "the dark days"
mom says "trying lighting candles"
but when i see a candle i see the flesh of a church
the flicker of a flame
strikes of a memory younger than noon
i am standing besides her open casket
it is the moment i learn every person i ever come to know will some day die
besides mom
i'm not afraid of the dark
perhaps that's part of the problem
mom says "i thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed"
i can't. anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house
inside of my head
mom says "where did anxiety come from"
anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town depression felt obligated to bring to the party
mom i am the party
only i am a party i don't want to be at
mom says "why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends"
sure, i make plans
i make plans but i don't want to go
i make plans because i know i should want to go
it's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun mom
you see, mom
each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms
dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company
mom says "try counting sheep"
but my mind can only count reasons to stay awake
so i go for walks
but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons
held in strong arms with loose wrists
they ring in my ears like clumsy church bells
reminding me that i am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness
that i can not baptize myself in
mom says "happy is a decision"
but my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
my happy is a high fever that will break
mom says that i am so good at making something out of nothing
and then flat out asks me if i am afraid of dying
no mom, i am afraid of living
mom i am lonely
i think i learned that when dad left how to turn the anger into lonely
the lonely into busy
so when i say i've been super busy lately i mean i've been falling asleep on the couch watching sports center to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed
but my depression will always bring me back to my bed
until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city
my mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves
the hallow auditorium of my chest swoones with the echoes of a heart beat
but i am just a careless toiurist here
i will never truly know everywhere i have been
mom still doesn't understand
mom, can't you see
that neither can i