Dear Best friend.

 Dear Best Friend,

I hope you're good
Genuinely good
Since you've been gone it has not been easy
But I want to say thank you
Even though it broke me into a million pieces when you left
I want to say...
Thank you
Even though I miss you everyday
I want to say thank you
Thank you for inspiring me
Inspiring me to face my fears
You make me want to be better
You make me want to work on myself
And even though, doing this without you By my side is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do
I'm doing it

And I wish you could see me
I wish you could be here
To see me transform into this new person,but you're not here
I just hope you're proud of me
I'm not mad, I'm just...in pain
But what's the sun without a little rain, right?

I once told you I could conquer the world with just one hand
As long you were holding the other
Now all I have is the though of you holding it
But I will still conquer the world
No matter where you are
I will stay strong and stand tall
Because I know you wouldn't want to see me fall
Whatever success I'm celebrating I will always think of you first
Because you're my biggest inspiration
And I want you to be proud of me
I just want you to be proud of me...

 But I want you to keep going too
I want you to win even though I can't be there to celebrate with you
I want you to love yourself
I want you to be yourself
Be the light you want to see in the world
You have everything that you need inside of you
But you know that, I told you more then enough, but I want you to always remember
I hope you remember my words when you feel alone
I hope you remember all the words I told you when you were down on yourself
And I hope you'll find the strength to pick yourself back up if you ever fall
I know you can
I know you will

After loosing a friend who you'd say these words... How would you feel? It never fucking stops... Im just unable to hold on to a friend... Why the fuck am i so fucking lonely... What the fuck did i do wrong? Where did i mess up... FUUUUUUUUCK. There are moments where i wish that the cancer would have ended things...

As long as i've remembered.

 For as long as I can remember, I've always hated myself. 
I had this group of people... A group of people that didn't know me, my life nor the situation that my life is in. But I have these moments of realization where I can feel the damage I'm doing to others. 

I know I should be going out and do stuff, but... I feel like I'm disconnected for the rest of the world. I mean, i get it. I'm a disease. A sickness to all that get close to Me. Even tho when I'm talking to people that I see as friends. I feel bad. Its like I'm pushing my whole being onto them. I  strongly feel like solitude is the way for Me. 

It feels a bit like I'm waiting for someone to save me... But I know that will not happen. I don't wanna cut people out of my life, but in case I finally break my promise to not kill myself, I just hope that people get me. 

I can't be angry towards people that don't wanna even know me. I don't wanna even know me. For once i  wish that people would have that exclusive feeling of living without being able to live. i'm not looking for happy thoughts or get well quick wishes. but accept me. At this point, feel like im just ''That extra population'' that is counted under the radar or whatever.

I just don't wanna be a burden anymore. Half-living isn't the way forward from me. Im just sorry to all the people that knew me...

Like in joker:I wish my death makes more sense then my life.