Hey!
It gets harder and harder to hold myself back... It seems like its never going to end. Maybe i can help it along sometime soon. Its been a rough few weeks... im a nobody, a freak of nature. I can't go and ask for help anymore. They wouldn't understand.
I'm scared. Scared that my little girl will grow up without me. Scared about what will my SO say about me after me. This life is not made for me. She is unhappy with me and i can't blame Her. It's me. I'm the problem. They don't realize it yet but they will. Life without me is better. Choosing between two evils, You should always choose the lesser evil. The lesser evil being me being dead. I can't hurt anyone anymore then. I feel like im going out on a blaze of glory. Do the things that the system can't. The system doesn't care for whats right or wrong. They look for someone to blame, unless its the system of course, then its all fine.
My little girl... my spark... my hope...
I can already see who She will hate me. I can't blame Her either. After all i'm the problem.
It's better if i just end it.
Going on 25 soon.
Hey,
it's been a while again, but as they say, i'm hanging on.
My falling deeper and deeper into my thoughts. The negative ones. The full numbness is tearing me apart. Problems at home and work. having a hard time distinguishing between my job and family time. My thoughts have been getting tougher and tougher. but at the same time the numbness is making it a bit easier as i can't find the motivation to care. I'm always down low, except of course when i have to wear my ''happy'' mask.
It feels like its never getting better, just problems on problems and its dragging me down. Not sure what to do about it... feels like there isn't anything to do. i'm writing it down to get it off my chest. I'm avoiding talking to people face-to-face, just to not see their attitude towards me. Not sure if anyone ever cares. Is this what adulthood is like? just constant numbness and the desire to die? I can't remember the last time I really felt happiness.
it's been a while again, but as they say, i'm hanging on.
My falling deeper and deeper into my thoughts. The negative ones. The full numbness is tearing me apart. Problems at home and work. having a hard time distinguishing between my job and family time. My thoughts have been getting tougher and tougher. but at the same time the numbness is making it a bit easier as i can't find the motivation to care. I'm always down low, except of course when i have to wear my ''happy'' mask.
It feels like its never getting better, just problems on problems and its dragging me down. Not sure what to do about it... feels like there isn't anything to do. i'm writing it down to get it off my chest. I'm avoiding talking to people face-to-face, just to not see their attitude towards me. Not sure if anyone ever cares. Is this what adulthood is like? just constant numbness and the desire to die? I can't remember the last time I really felt happiness.
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