Dreams

Lately, i've been having this dream.

I'm walking on a street. The people walking towards me have their faces messed up. They are lookin straight at me. Even tho i dont see them looking at me, i can feel it.
Im picked up by a van. They blind my eye. i wake up at this point, for a brief second. Next moment, im in a room. its dark and it feels cold. At this point i realise that im in the dream again, but i cant control the dream.
After that, i see a spotlight ahead of me. I walk towards it. I'm fighting now and not in a civil matter My hands are bloody and filled with cuts. there is a lot of blood around me. I hurt them, the people without faces. i hear someone calling me. The voice scrapes my soul. I hear it when im awake. Next thing, im at a farm of somewhere. People i say are my friends are there, so is my family. They are yelling at me. Then they beat me and i can't do anything about it. it feels like this goes on for hours. But then i wake up. and for some reason it feels even worse. like i've woken up into a worse one. A place where the pain is real. my thoughts are real. and the faces are real but still staring at me. This place is making uneasy, sad and miserable. I call this a dream for a reason. This reality feels like a nightmare. Sometimes it feels like im trying at the wrong things. like my life is worthless and that everything i do has no effect nor purpose. The fact that i will not be remembered haunts me. Daily. Everything i do, or everything that i could do wouldn't matter. I'm just a statistic on a board and in paper. Just someone who was born and someone who has died... If you disagree, tell me about the farmers 500 years ago... Show me their names and tell me what they are thinking.

Sometimes my thoughts seem like they are what is wrong with me. And i don't know how to stop them. i've found weed helps me focus and keep the thoughts on a pause somewhat. I'd say manageable at least.


'' does not matter what the man has, if he doesn't have a purpose, You take that away from him, Man goes with it soon.''

And so i go on wearing this mask of ''greatness''

Until next time.

Ups and downs

For as long as I can remember I’ve always had this void in my life,

It’s this empty feeling deep deep inside of you,

that you can’t quite shake - no matter how hard you try.

It sort of consumes and eats away at you,

You’ll have great happy moments and just when you thought everything was fine - surprise!

The feeling always comes back, it’s just a matter of time.

The constant frustration to fill this void, something to ease the pain.

What’s the cause? Nobody knows,

Yet you feel the same sad emptiness every single day

It leaves me feeling so empty and down

like I’m missing something somehow

something that’s a big part of me

and once I have it, I’ll be happy

I just need that one thing, this missing key,

and when I get my hands on it, I’ll be complete.

I’ve tried everything - friends, education, material stuff,

but no matter how hard I try, it never seems to be enough,

It sucks,

and I know people will say that you just need to be positive,

or the solution to all of your problems is self love

But it’s not as simple as that,

not when you’ve got to the point where you just feel numb.

I so badly want to fill my heart with so much happiness that it takes all the sadness away

My childhood was so dark and angry that I always thought, in my adult life things would change.

Somehow I would no longer feel the same,

and I don’t, things aren’t as extreme anymore,

but there’s no denying that that feeling is always there - and it’s something I can’t explain.

I just wish it would go away.

I thought that when I grow up things would be different, I just thought…it would be different

You look at other people and they always look so happy,

You know you observe people’s lives whether that be in person, social media, tv,

and it seems to come to them so naturally

And I know all of that stuff can be misleading,

but when you feel so down and empty,

you can’t help but think, why can’t that be me?

Cos you want that, you so desperately want that,

and you feel like you’re doing the right things,

you know you’re having fun with your friends, having late night chats, dancing to silly music

and in the moment it feels great, you’re in a good happy place,

but that happy feeling always goes away.

and the sad emptiness kicks in again.

Do I sound crazy? god I think I sound so crazy.

These thoughts tend to hit me late at night,

And that’s when I think,

sometimes I’m so overcome with emotion that I just cry,

and I don’t know why,

makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me,

It’s so sad to admit, that it becomes easier to lie and act like everything’s fine.

So that’s what I say, I say I’m fine.

Events from my past still affect my adult life

I lash out, feel down out of nowhere and I can’t explain why?

It just gets so messed up in my head sometimes

and there’s no way to escape it, not when it’s all happening in your mind.

and so you just beat yourself up and beat yourself up til you feel so small

you know, you can be in a room full of people and still feel so alone.

I can put on an act and pretend that I’m tough

but deep down I never quite feel brave enough

Sometimes I feel so small in this big big world

That I feel like all I have are my words to keep my sense of control

These thoughts, they’re like my therapy you know,

a place where I can release and pour out my soul

In hopes that it’ll make me feel better, and somehow fill this empty hole.

One day I’ll look back and it won’t hurt anymore,

I’ll be able to look back at what happened and not feel so sore

Cos there’s no cure

No way to fix it, it’s just something you learn to live with,

But it’ll get easier, of that I’m sure.

You are not the demons in your mind,

You are not the hurt and pain, you feel on the inside,

You’re stronger than that, you can fight.

Understand that it’s all temporary and that these things take time.

So chin up, breathe, allow yourself to feel everything there is to feel,

ClickforTaz

It’s not that I don’t want to be happy it’s that despite my best efforts I can’t bring myself to be happy.

I feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed,
Why did I have to be this way.
I have a great family, amazing friends, good academic results - on paper everything is okay
Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey

It’s like there’s a constant burden on you pulling you to the ground
and however hard you try you can’t bring yourself out
You can’t bring yourself to care - about anything - not me, not him, not her
Living has become the constant nightmare.
And it’s just not fair.

Society will tell you to try yoga, go for a walk, listen to meditation.
I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or medication.
It’s a disease that affects every aspect of my life, - my relationships, my work, my education.
And even to this day despite my best efforts to explain -
I am met with blind hesitation.

They ask me why are you always sad, I tell them I don’t know…I don’t know
What I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling like absolutely shit - and that that’s become my norm.
I’m afraid of the outside world, afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something that I cannot control
Where’s the fairness of it all?
Do you think I enjoy to watch myself fall?
Into this hole of self hate, shame and loathe
So I just hide and put up a wall
That’s so high, you will never see my pain or any of my flaws - I create this character and he is perfect, he’s invincible.

And so I live these two different lives, one for the public and one just for me late at night
Cos that’s easier than admitting you have a problem - and that’s the problem.
The stigma is real people
And it will not go away until we realise that mental health IS a big deal.
It’s a hidden disease thats affecting so many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries
It’s the kid that never speaks or the guy who’s always tired,
The lady who’s too emotional or that man who just got fired
cos he was absent a lot - he couldn’t get out of bed due to his mental health
but do you think any of his colleagues knew that - course not.

Depression is the hell inside of me and it eats me up daily.

I am still here.

Althou i never asked for it, im still here.


I've tried multiple times since the last time i wrote something here to not be here... all of them failed.
either thru dumb luck or pure understanding that even tho I'm ready to go, Others won't be. But at the end of the day I'm still looking for a way to leave others behind. Just in a way that others won't blame them self. 

I still think that the time that is spent on me is a waste. i still think that i should have died on that table in the hospital. For some reason i despise the fact that i'm alive. I feel like I'm a burden for everyone else. People don't know what I'm really like. Wearing this mask of self-confidence and happiness is dragging me down. But... At the end of the day... I still wear it. Even in front of my brother. I just want this suffering to end.

I can't remember what it feels to really feel happy. Everyday it feels like i'm going thru with emotions, hoping that no-one would ask how i really am. When people ask that I say its ok or try to avoid the topic, cause I know that they would behave differently in front of me and a completely different way behind me. I drown myself in work. avoid people. The only times I can be me is the bus ride home which is about an hour and at night when my brother is sleeping.

I cry often by myself. When i know that no-one would know. I can't stop thinking about suicide or death. It feels like its the only thing that i deserve. Being alive hurts me daily, but i can't kill myself right? Not because its selfish, but because it would hurt others. People care about themselves, about their pain. What about me?  What about my pain? What about the thoughts I have everyday? It feels like everything i do is a disappointment to everybody else. It is hard to explain what i feel daily but its curb-stomping me.
Even thru some days its not that bad. It's something that i know will come back the next day or the day after that. I've heard that the cure for me is self-love or positive thinking. It's not that easy. HOW can i love myself when i hate everything about me?

I can't talk about these thing with anyone. it would make me seem crazy or they will stop talking to me. making me stay in this same place again. So, I choose to keep my mouth shut and just suffer in silence.

It's not that i don't wanna be happy. I just can't bring myself to care... I often think why? why me? why am i  like this? why can't i be like everybody else? Why? WHY?! That's why i have two of myself. One for myself. and another for everyone else. So they won't see me they way I really am.  And I get tired of fighting it, it’s exhausting trying to be positive all the time. It’s like fighting an endless battle that’s becoming harder and harder, and to say I can deal with it, is a lie. Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough. It’s like no matter how much I push myself, how much I do the right things. My mind is always going to win, and I fear that one day I’m going succumb to it and I’m going to give in. I’m going to surrender to the pain and just exist.