Hey,
So, im at the point where i've had enough of sadness, sorrow and grief for my self... and now that my healths at a real risk. I decided that im going to fight it... im going to start working out, stop being drunk alot, limit my smoking habits... Theres a few things i've havent let you know... My previous cure failed... my bodys hasn't accepted it in a month or so... Soo im of it now... Also i dont know if i've said it but i do smoke pot. They say it has medical uses, against cancer. Now that you know dont start calling me a jonkey or a pothead... im just doing it because i wanna survive. i guess people dont understand why i smoke pot. you need to see the world from my eyes...
Everywhere you look you see memorys, it dosent matter if there good or bad, it reminds you that you left a mark of yourself, and that you dont wanna die yet... not alot of people thing about death. but theres always a part of us that knows, knows the fact the end is coming... this will not last forever...
the other thing i wanna talk about, is my feelings... i feel like im a petty person, like people look through me, like im a nothing. theres not a lot of support im getting, theres always my support group where i go and talk and my psychiatrist but my friends, i get the feeling that they think my lieing to them. well what could i expect, i was young, healthy a year back but now im dieing... seems kinda unreal, impossible if i say so myself... but for now
Have a good new year
Marry Christmas/hanuka what ever your having.
So a new year is coming.
Hey
Christmas, the time ive hated since i can remember. its always a time for me to get bad news... its like i cant have one month where im not thinking about my problems. Its always this time, that fucks up my year... I feel so empty, i feel like im incapable of being loved. i feel anger against myself for not being the guy, the guy people wanna be around. the idea of me dieing alone has come cleared to me, maybe for the best.
''Like a coward i am, i hang my head''
Bye
Christmas, the time ive hated since i can remember. its always a time for me to get bad news... its like i cant have one month where im not thinking about my problems. Its always this time, that fucks up my year... I feel so empty, i feel like im incapable of being loved. i feel anger against myself for not being the guy, the guy people wanna be around. the idea of me dieing alone has come cleared to me, maybe for the best.
''Like a coward i am, i hang my head''
Bye
im afraid...
hey, im afraid that one day i will lose my self.... i will lose control over my body, lose my memorys... the one things i hold dearest the most... what if i do die... what then... im losing control over my body as we speak... i wonder how long will it take when i lose my mind...
go crazy...
people will only talk shit about me... being a crazy man... i just cant stop thinking about it....
what if i was made to be a madman..
what if i was designed to die, to become a deadman... like in anime. i become a filler...
all these ideas...
go crazy...
people will only talk shit about me... being a crazy man... i just cant stop thinking about it....
what if i was made to be a madman..
what if i was designed to die, to become a deadman... like in anime. i become a filler...
all these ideas...
is'nt it great
here are some ideas of my mind...
at this very moment im listening to a very old song, a very good sond , song of silence...
I am a bit high at the moment. my ideas on the subject are following, its good to a limit, i belive every once in a while. i smoke it sometime, when i feel like i need sometime on my own, with my mind... just think.
at this very moment im listening to a very old song, a very good sond , song of silence...
I am a bit high at the moment. my ideas on the subject are following, its good to a limit, i belive every once in a while. i smoke it sometime, when i feel like i need sometime on my own, with my mind... just think.
when the only thing you think is yours slips away.
My memory has been disintegrating.i spent too much time on the other side, now its eating away at my mind...
erasing whats left of it. my memorys are all confused, slowly self-destructing,fading like a dream after you wake up.
im losing my sence of time. I no longer know what happend before or after. everything is playing inside my head the same time.
its like watching the same film looping over and over again.a chaos of images with no order.
so i've been writing nighr and day for weeks.
trying to put my life down of paper.
if i forget everything, these papers will be my memory.
im finally getting what i wanted, i've never been so unhappy in my life. i feel like a part of me has been amputated. i know its stupid... Shit... I miss it SO much. and thats not the only thing i miss.
it took months... months of nothing, passing by. deep down i know, i needed the silence around me, to hear what i was feeling.
erasing whats left of it. my memorys are all confused, slowly self-destructing,fading like a dream after you wake up.
im losing my sence of time. I no longer know what happend before or after. everything is playing inside my head the same time.
its like watching the same film looping over and over again.a chaos of images with no order.
so i've been writing nighr and day for weeks.
trying to put my life down of paper.
if i forget everything, these papers will be my memory.
im finally getting what i wanted, i've never been so unhappy in my life. i feel like a part of me has been amputated. i know its stupid... Shit... I miss it SO much. and thats not the only thing i miss.
it took months... months of nothing, passing by. deep down i know, i needed the silence around me, to hear what i was feeling.
something thats bothering me
Hey,
lately,i've been thinking about ways people can turn a dreams into a video clip that can be watched by others.
as some people know theres a way to make blind people see again, its not perfect but they see somethings,
It takes a camera and its connected to the brain, which allowes them to see colors and objects outlines.
what if we could turn that thing around, so we could record and replay our dreams.
first we must understand what is a memory,
Let's start from a feeling like falling in love... that exact moment when you realize that, you brain uses synapses to send out a electrical pulse, through nerve cells in your brain... the electrical pulse passes through these nerve cells in a path. that path is the moment/that feeling, everytime you remind yourself of that moment. a electrical pulse goes through that same path to remind you the feeling, what you saw, what smell there was etc.
now if we could tap into that memory bank, why cant we see our dreams from that bank?
theres experiments made on that... the pictures were blurry but they managed to get the image... think about it... it opens a whole new world of chances...
i got this idea, after having some dreams i really wanna remember, i wanna relive those dreams... I was happy in them... I really want this idea to come true.
lately,i've been thinking about ways people can turn a dreams into a video clip that can be watched by others.
as some people know theres a way to make blind people see again, its not perfect but they see somethings,
It takes a camera and its connected to the brain, which allowes them to see colors and objects outlines.
what if we could turn that thing around, so we could record and replay our dreams.
first we must understand what is a memory,
Let's start from a feeling like falling in love... that exact moment when you realize that, you brain uses synapses to send out a electrical pulse, through nerve cells in your brain... the electrical pulse passes through these nerve cells in a path. that path is the moment/that feeling, everytime you remind yourself of that moment. a electrical pulse goes through that same path to remind you the feeling, what you saw, what smell there was etc.
now if we could tap into that memory bank, why cant we see our dreams from that bank?
theres experiments made on that... the pictures were blurry but they managed to get the image... think about it... it opens a whole new world of chances...
i got this idea, after having some dreams i really wanna remember, i wanna relive those dreams... I was happy in them... I really want this idea to come true.
The worst part...
The worst part about this is The knowing. The knowing when times up.i sometimes think why bother with all the little things, the end result is still the same, i've missed out on a lot of stuff... i wanna feel love, hold a loved one, be there when someone needs me, but my chances are slim. I miss the old times, when everything was easier, when i didnt need to worry about things so much... now thats the only thing i do... i go on walks and just worry about pointless things and think and think and think...
when you're sick people tend to leave you behind. they dont wanna get attached to people...
I miss her... I really do... but shes better off the way things are... i belive thats for sure...
maybe i should write a letter or something... you know. ''The Letter''. say sorry to people and hope that they forgive me, say sorry to my mom for being the son that went away, tell my brothers that there fffing stupid nad that they should get there s**t together. Say sorry to my best friend for not being strong enough, for all the crap i cant help you when im gone... im ffing 18... dont you think its a bit too early, what do you think?
I see this time as a road you walk on, and everyday that road i walk, gets lonelier and lonelier..
when i make that letter, Read it well...
all my sorrows are behind me soon.
when you're sick people tend to leave you behind. they dont wanna get attached to people...
I miss her... I really do... but shes better off the way things are... i belive thats for sure...
maybe i should write a letter or something... you know. ''The Letter''. say sorry to people and hope that they forgive me, say sorry to my mom for being the son that went away, tell my brothers that there fffing stupid nad that they should get there s**t together. Say sorry to my best friend for not being strong enough, for all the crap i cant help you when im gone... im ffing 18... dont you think its a bit too early, what do you think?
I see this time as a road you walk on, and everyday that road i walk, gets lonelier and lonelier..
when i make that letter, Read it well...
all my sorrows are behind me soon.
Its been a while... Again.
Hey,
It's Me. Its been almost a year now,since my last blog. and also almost a year since i found out im sick and fading.
Let me tell you about the past year.
Just be for chrismas i found out im sick. at that time things seemed really bad and chances of escape were slim. About 5 months after i got my treatment and meds, things started looking better. Only thing about the treatment was that in a long time period i would get better but in that time i would feel like shit everyday, I had things like bleeding from my eyes and nose , coughing blood. blackouts, fainting, losing control over my limps, hyper-ventilation, nightmares, really bad sleep,issuse with controlling my emotions, vomiting, exaustion, headaches, lack of focus,memory loss And many more.
This should go on for some time, a year or two if everthing goes as planned.
I quit school. I had nowhere to live so i got a job at a brewery. I've been there for nearly 5 months now I belive.
Im 18 now atleast.
I live in a apartment at this very moment but it seems im going to move...
Im still single, on the market as some people say. I still keep myself behind the main crowd. I usully dont go out alot, because theres nothing out there for me. i go to work, come back home, sleep and repeat.
Still in the Estonian defence force.
This sickness has got me really scared. i feel like im losing grip on reality. my old class that was suppostu stay together as mostly dissapered, only Allan and Ardo still talk to me and wanna hang out. Most of them dont even care anymore. I still thing about those time sometimes. Yeah im still having suicidal thoughts but i try to push them back. sometimes i feel like im going to just give up and let it flow. I feel like shit as we speak.
People think that im a kid because i play video games, first of all, i play games because thats my escape. Its me-time And second, its helps me think.
I've been wanting to blog for some time now, but never know what to blog about.
It's Me. Its been almost a year now,since my last blog. and also almost a year since i found out im sick and fading.
Let me tell you about the past year.
Just be for chrismas i found out im sick. at that time things seemed really bad and chances of escape were slim. About 5 months after i got my treatment and meds, things started looking better. Only thing about the treatment was that in a long time period i would get better but in that time i would feel like shit everyday, I had things like bleeding from my eyes and nose , coughing blood. blackouts, fainting, losing control over my limps, hyper-ventilation, nightmares, really bad sleep,issuse with controlling my emotions, vomiting, exaustion, headaches, lack of focus,memory loss And many more.
This should go on for some time, a year or two if everthing goes as planned.
I quit school. I had nowhere to live so i got a job at a brewery. I've been there for nearly 5 months now I belive.
Im 18 now atleast.
I live in a apartment at this very moment but it seems im going to move...
Im still single, on the market as some people say. I still keep myself behind the main crowd. I usully dont go out alot, because theres nothing out there for me. i go to work, come back home, sleep and repeat.
Still in the Estonian defence force.
This sickness has got me really scared. i feel like im losing grip on reality. my old class that was suppostu stay together as mostly dissapered, only Allan and Ardo still talk to me and wanna hang out. Most of them dont even care anymore. I still thing about those time sometimes. Yeah im still having suicidal thoughts but i try to push them back. sometimes i feel like im going to just give up and let it flow. I feel like shit as we speak.
People think that im a kid because i play video games, first of all, i play games because thats my escape. Its me-time And second, its helps me think.
I've been wanting to blog for some time now, but never know what to blog about.
Well see you next time, if any one reads this before i post again, let me know what to blog about.
Thanks.
Yup
On my own Pretending she's beside me All alone I walk with Her till morning Without Her I feel her arms around me And when I lose my way I close my eyes And She has found me In the rain the pavement shines like silver All the lights are misty in the river In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight And all I see is Her and me forever and forever And I know it's only in my mind That I'm talking to myself and not to Her And although I know that She is blind Still I say, there's a way for us I love Her But when the night is over She is gone The river's just a river Without Her The world around me changes The trees are bare and everywhere The streets are full of strangers I love hi But every day I'm learning All my life I've only been pretending Without me His world would go on turning A world that's full of happiness That I have never known
Back :)
Hey,
Its me again.
it was my birthday a few days back... The day i hate the most...
The sadness thats flowing through me at the moment is overwhelming. Now more then ever.
Its been the crazyest time ever... out ideas, out of memory, cant remember anything these day, nothing just sticks...
Its been a long time since i last blogged, Sorry for that,
When do i give up the things i was wishing for?
i was told that im a good guy :)
Said a girl that rejected me... Nice eh?
Well i have some drinking do finish!
cya
Its me again.
it was my birthday a few days back... The day i hate the most...
The sadness thats flowing through me at the moment is overwhelming. Now more then ever.
Its been the crazyest time ever... out ideas, out of memory, cant remember anything these day, nothing just sticks...
Its been a long time since i last blogged, Sorry for that,
When do i give up the things i was wishing for?
i was told that im a good guy :)
Said a girl that rejected me... Nice eh?
Well i have some drinking do finish!
cya
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